When will I learn?

January 26, 2009

Let me just start this out by saying today was a pretty good day. I got a good night's sleep last night (only woke up at 2 and 3 a.m.), which always helps. I felt good as I got ready for work and the morning went by practically pain free. These are all good things - very good things. The fact that I'm sitting down to blog after a rough afternoon and early evening means that my "voice" is going to be a little more negative. It's always hard for me to be in a positive mood when I'm having a tough time physically. That being said . . .

My drive home from work was another tearful one. I think it's that I have all this time alone to think and, yes, listen to sad music. I listened to Peter Gabriel's song I Grieve (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQzU-PJ_eAY) all the way home. And this is what I realized: I have not been allowing myself to be angry about my losses. I touch on the anger briefly, but then the good girl inside my head tells me that I should know that this is all a part of life. No one gets what they really deserve. I tell myself that I'm going to learn life lessons from the pain and that understanding should make this all better. But I think I'm really talking myself out of the anger part of grief. And so, I decided that tonight I need to write the anger out of me, without qualifications or explanations. I need to just let it rip.

I'm angry that I don't have a colon. I'm angry that every time I go to the bathroom I'm reminded of all my pain and loss - every single time. I'm angry that I don't have my daughter. I didn't get to experience the joy of pregnancy. I never got to have a baby shower.

There are all these other subtler things I'm angry about too though. I'm angry that I feel so alone in all of this. No one else can truly understand what I went through. It was me, alone in my own mind, night after night in that hospital. It is me alone now who sits on the toilet in pain. It's me who looks down at my ravaged body and knows this is how I will live for the rest of my life. It was my body that went berserk. I was afraid on a daily basis that something was going to happen to me and I was going to die. And through all that fear I had to be thankful to people, because I was a good girl. I had to thank people for giving me shots and for cleaning up my toilet after I went to the bathroom and yes, even for helping me wipe my bottom. I had to say thank you when I was humiliated. I still do. Every Friday I have to say thank you to the nurse for sticking an IV into me. Thank you to the doctor for sticking a scope up my rectum. I'm just so tired.

And I'm angry that I used to work so hard at being not just a good employee, but a stellar employee. I never called in sick unless I was really, truly sick. I worked hard and smart. And then this illness came and I can't be that consistent person any more. And I'm angry about that - that was my reputation and I feel like I've lost a part of my reputation.

I can't even go there right now about all the anger I feel about losing Harper. Honestly, I don't think I've reached a point yet where I feel like I deserve to be angry about it.

And underneath it all there is this feeling that I have to say thank you to people for loving me. And there is a part of me that is angry about that. Angry that I'll never be able to repay all the kindnesses I've received.

Okay, so this is where the internal dialogue goes on in my head. This is the part that I can't let go unanswered. This is the hard part for me. This is the lesson I'm supposed to learn - I know it. As I'm working on my blog right now I'm sobbing. And I stopped to talk to Jeremy and tell him that I feel like I'll never be able to repay all he's done for me. "That's not what this is about Abby," he tried to tell me. Why can't I let that sink in? Why can't I just let others do for me without feeling like I will owe them? That's what grace is about isn't it? Receiving something we don't deserve? But allowing grace to change you isn't about feeling like you owe something and should do something in return (and then becoming bitter about what you owe). Allowing grace to change you is about being inspired by the goodness and grace you've received and going and doing the same for other people. All of a sudden I'm thinking about Les Miserables and how the main character (I don't remember his name - Jaq something?) was forgiven for stealing from the people who had sheltered him in the night and it inspired him to change his life around and do good. That is grace.

When will I learn? (And please God, how about no more lessons until I have this one figured out?)