Living in fear

January 11, 2009

It just doesn't feel like my body is on my side these days. And I'm so tired. It has been so long since I felt good. Will that day ever come again? I don't want to complain - I'm grateful that I am where I am right now - no ostomy, post-surgery, etc. But that doesn't mean it's easy yet. Because it's not. And I get angry that it's not easy yet. Then I feel guilty for feeling anything other than gratitude for where I am.

Sometimes I want to turn off the guilt switch in my mind. I want to stop trying to make the best out of this situation and I just want to be ANGRY. I want to rant about how unfair all of this is. It is SO unfair. There is so much pain that I'm carrying around. I have lived through hell this year. Hell. I have been in physical pain and emotional pain for so long.

I think I'm even more angry because I really do feel like something is not right with my system yet. I just can't believe that what's happening is a part of the normal process. I shouldn't feel nauseous and sick every time I go to the bathroom (which is 10-12 times a day). I'm exhausted. I feel like my doctors haven't heard me. I'm scared. I'm so scared and I'm tired of being scared. I don't have much fight left in me. But I know that I am going to have to be smart tomorrow at my GI appointment and really verbalize exactly what's going on with me so that I am heard. I'm not saying that I think something is seriously wrong - it could be as simple as pouchitis (treatable with antibiotics), but I just don't think what I'm experiencing is part of the normal healing process.

Will I ever heal from this? Will I ever get past the fear that something tragic is going to happen to me again? I don't want to live my life in fear. I want my spirit to be free. I want to experience joy and peace. But there is fear everywhere I turn. God please, help me! I don't want to be afraid. I just don't know what to do.