I am trying so hard not to feel anxious tonight, but it's not working. I have an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. T, tomorrow afternoon. I always get anxious before doctors' appointments these days. The worst case scenario rolls around in the back of my head and I get really freaked out. So here it is, my worst case scenario: I tell my surgeon about all the cramping and straining I've been having and she tells me that my j-pouch isn't working properly and she's going to have to do surgery to revise it. I will have to have another ileostomy until the revisions to the j-pouch heal.
How would I deal with that? And really, how much mental engery do I want to put towards picturing that happening to me? For my own sake, I'm not going to explore this topic any further. I would get through it because I had to. But that's not going to happen. I'm going to talk with Dr. T tomorrow and everything will be just fine. (Ahhhhh!!!!)
I went for a short walk this afternoon. The weather was just perfect; cool but not crisp air, warm sunshine. When I exercise by myself, whether it's walking or running, those times are really times that I think about who I am and who I want to be. I think part of it is because I feel so healthy and strong when I'm exercising and that's definitely part of who I want to be. Today I could picture this woman, this wise woman with a gentle spirit. I want to be that woman. I don't want everything I've been through this past year to have been in vain. I want to learn the lessons that are there for the learning. I will come out of this with a more beautiful spirit as a result- I will. And that's what this life journey is about - is it not?
I'm having a hard time finding a balance in dealing with Harper's loss. Today I went to see Marley & Me with a friend. I had read the book, so I knew that they lost a baby. I was prepared to see it play out on the big screen. But in knowing that it was coming, I shut off my emotions. I didn't shed a single tear. I was protecting myself. But where's the balance in protecting myself and in being authentic? Every time I shut off my emotions I feel like I'm not honoring Harper as I should. Yet there are times when I need to keep the flood gates closed either to enjoy myself (like when I go to a movie with a friend), or to protect myself around people I'm not safe in grieving around. I guess I just need to be patient with myself as I figure it all out.
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Dear Sweet Abby,
ReplyDeleteWe are praying for your doctor appointment this afternoon. Thank you for your blog! Your transparency is both refreshing & inspiring. May the Lord be your strength during this anxious time.
With Much Love,
LyNae
Abby, I love your blog. It brings tears to my eyes and fills my heart with love. You are such a strong and beautiful woman. I was thinking when reading your worst-case-scenario about having to have another iliostomy it occurred to me that you've already lived through that and if you had to go through it, you'd have the strength to. How nice to have a reprieve from it, though...I really hope you never have to do that again. And I have to say that I am very happy that you finally get to poop! ha ha... I also maintain that little Harper Lee's spirit is dwelling with you and Jeremy and I have a feeling she will reappear in the flesh in your lives. Bless you. Love, Dawn
ReplyDeleteYes, friend. Have lots of grace with yourself. No guilt for whatever you're feeling at any given moment--whether that's to let it all out, or to stay inward focused and quiet because it's too exhausting in that moment to feel overwhelming emotion. It's all part of the process.
ReplyDeleteI truly believe everything you've been through does not have to be in vain. I take God at His Word when He promises that He will use all things--ALL things--for the good of those who love Him. As believers we have a promise we can claim and stake our hope on--if we are looking to Him for the outcome. Love you, friend.