Let the games begin!

January 7, 2009
I'm sitting here in my living room, Django's on the couch beside me resting his head on me leg. Jeremy and Dan are playing music in the music room. Their music is just quietly drifting down the hallway. If I curled up in the blankets it would lull me to sleep. But for now I'm going to let it be the background music to my blog. I wish you could hear it . . . (I'll at least let you see a picture of Django resting his head on my leg!)






This morning when I got up to shower I was feeling a little worn out. I had one of those moments (do you ever have them?) when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped and just looked myself in the eye. I was so separate from myself. It was like I was looking into the eyes of a stranger. I looked sad. I wonder if that look will ever go away. Jeremy and I have this picture of us at my sister's wedding up on our fridge. We were laughing and so healthy and vibrant in that picture. There was a period of time during my recovery when I couldn't look at that picture. I turned it over so I wouldn't see who I used to be. It broke my heart.


I had the radio on while I was showering. The Springsteen song, Streets of Philadelphia came on and I almost started crying as I sang along to the first verse:

I was bruised and battered

And I couldn't tell what I felt

I was unrecognizable to myself

Saw my reflection in a window

I didn't know my own face

And then the verse:

Ain't no angel gonna greet me

It's just you and I my friend

And my clothes don't fit me no more

I walked a thousand miles just to slip this skin

And I started thinking about Harper then. I wondered, will she be an angel to greet me when I leave this world? My thoughts went all over the place. I started thinking about my family - Harper's family. I thought about all the aunts and uncles she has who would have loved her so much. I thought about Jeremy's brothers and sisters and how focused on children his family is; aunts and uncles doing things with the nieces and nephews because they just plain enjoy their company. I thought about my brother and sister and how much love there is for my niece and new nephew in my family. I thought about all the laughter there is in both families when everyone's together. The laughter and the children, it's just wonderful. There is so much love the whole family is missing out on with Harper's loss. One less child to tell the funny stories to at family gatherings. One less child to go sledding down the big hill. One less child to give kisses all around at hellos and goodbyes. Oh it hurts to think about.

I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon. The appointment was at the Cancer Center. As we were waiting a man who must have been in his late 50's sat across from us and started talking to us out of the blue. Normally it would have annoyed me. I would have wanted to wait quietly in my own little world, but today was different. He was there alone for one thing and my heart always goes out to people who are alone at the Cancer Center. He started telling us that he was diagnosed with lung cancer that spread into his bones in 1998. He said that they told him he had two months to live back in 1998. The steroids caused him to get cataracts and he had to have both lenses replaced and they caused some problems with his joints which caused him to get both hips replaced. He sat there smiling as he told us his tale. He took his hat off and rubbed his head, "But I am here and I can work out in my yard," he said.

I didn't say much to him. I just looked him in the eye as he told me what he had been through. When he got called away I told Jeremy, "It could have been so much worse." And it's true. It could have. I had the beginnings of those things - eye problems, joint pain - but nothing serious happened as a result. That man held on and fought hard for 11 years!! 11 years!! I was amazed by him - the man who sat there alone at the Cancer Center.

So at my appointment I explained my symptoms to Dr. T. She said that she was not concerned. She said it sounded like my body is just trying to figure out how to do this bowel movement thing again. She gave me a list of symptoms that would cause her concern. After doing an ever so wonderful exam (yowzah) she told me that I could go back to my "normal" activities of life. AND she said that I should be eating a regular diet again. "Fruits and vegetables too?" I asked with a huge smile on my face. She told me I absolutely should be eating fruits and vegetables now. She told me, of course, not to start eating them all at once, but that I could eat a normal diet now. To top it all off, she said that she doesn't need to see me until next year (unless symptoms start up or something)! And then my PIC line was pulled too! (No more flushing my line every night or wrapping my arm up to shower every day.)

Jeremy and I left the office floating! We made a date to go to Sushi Matsu for sushi this weekend to celebrate. I've been holding off on the sushi for fear the veggies would be too much for my system, but the doctor says it's a go. It was one of our frequent weekend meals "before." So my anxiety yesterday was pointless. Oh Abby . . .

Let the games begin!

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9L9_8vwx2w8)