January 19, 2009
Last night Jeremy had rehearsal with some other musicians here at our house in the evening. I was going to barricade myself in the bedroom and fall asleep watching TV without making any face time. And then something that I'm embarrassed to admit happened. I heard a woman's voice. Not only that, I heard her playing my piano and singing. I stood in our master bathroom and listened to her through the wall. I never realized the piano was on the other side of the bathroom wall.
I stood in front of the tub and leaned over it and put my hands on the wall. I felt the wall vibrating from the piano. I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was greasy. I hadn't showered in, hmmmm, I don't know how many days. My face was pale. My eyes were dead. And I heard her voice.
I undressed and got in the shower, careful to wait till the song was done to start the water. I didn't want to interrupt. But I wanted to get fresh and clean. And I wanted to sob. I thought about how much life I heard coming from that powerful voice out in my house and how little life I saw in my own eyes. The thought that I really didn't want to have but couldn't stop from coming was, "How can my husband still love me when I've lost my vibrancy?"
This stupid struggle continues. When will I let go of the fear of losing his love and just trust it? I was talking to him about this today. His response was just perfect, "It's your house Abby. If you want to walk around without showering in your own home, that's okay. And it won't change my love for you." I hadn't said anything about worrying about his love. But he must have known. I looked over at him after he said that I thought about how certain I am that Jeremy has never wanted anything other than to be with me. I'm certain of it. What a gift.
This afternoon I felt like Jeremy and I connected in a way we haven't connected for a while. There was an ease between us. We laughed with each other and joked around. Oh, I was so glad. You become a different couple when there is so much stress around. It was nice to have a glimpse back to the way we used to interact.
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Sometimes I have that same fear that my new husband might lose his attraction to me because I've been so sick. Then he holds me and brings me a glass of ice water when I'm in pain and I'm reminded that we promised each other to be there through sickness and in health. Even when my hair is gross and my breath stinks he tells me he loves me more everyday!
ReplyDeleteWow. Once again, thanks for sharing your heart and thoughts with your readers, Abby. I'm so thankful you've got Jeremy to walk with you through this yuck!
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