Just a few things . . .

January 24, 2009

I woke up for the second or third time last night at about 4:12 a.m. I had had a dream about a baby. One of my friends had given me a little baby boy. He was a little cranky and I held him close to me and swayed back and forth and soothed him till he quieted down. Then I woke up.

I laid in bed thinking about Harper again. I thought about how I didn't get to be big and pregnant and feel her kick or hiccup, but I did get to feel her flutter inside of me. I thought about how that is a connection to her that only I had with her. The rest of the world, including her daddy, missed out on that. I thought about the couple of days before we found out we lost her, how the doctors had asked me if I was feeling her move and I said, "Hmm, no I haven't really felt her move today." I didn't know. I was carrying all that extra fluid, I thought it had just reached the point where I couldn't feel her because of the fluid. I didn't know.

To answer the question that many have asked me - I don't think we will try to get pregnant again. Yes, it could just be the place we're at right now, but I don't think so. First of all, studies have shown that 25% of women who have their colons removed because of ulcerative colitis end up being infertile. I just don't think I want to go through the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant with those odds. Also, I still have my rectum and 5 cm of my mucosa lining - both of which could still flare up with UC at any time - pregnancy being one time it could happen. That would make me sick and I'd have to be on meds and all that - blah, blah, blah. Stuff I really don't want to have happen again. But the main reason is that I don't want to put my body through pregnancy. I don't want the sickness or the strain. Most of all, I don't want to risk having to have a Cesarean section. I never want to be opened up again - ever. If there is anything to do to avoid it, I will.

For now I just want to heal and enjoy my husband's company. Thinking about the future beyond that is too much to imagine.

On a different topic, you know how they say animals take on the traits of their owners? Jeremy and I laugh sometimes about how nervous Django is and how fearful he is. We wonder where he gets it from? Below is a little video I took today of Django in the hallway. Jeremy was doing some cleaning and reorganizing and had some boxes in the hallway, but Django is too afraid of them to walk past them without a little help (which his momma of course gave to him). Enjoy!

On yet another topic: So my doctor wants me to be on a high calorie diet to put on some weight. You would think this would be easy and fun even - but when you don't have an appetite and feel nauseous so much throughout the day, it can be hard. She did give me medication to help with the nausea on Friday. So far it's helped some today. I'm glad. And because my husband is all behind me getting a little more meat on my bones he did some grocery shopping yesterday and stocked up on snacks and goodies that I enjoy. One item in particular that he purchased was a bag of chocolate chips. We already had some bananas that were turning brown. It was the perfect time to make banana chocolate chip muffins - from scratch!

In 1995 I worked part time for a few months for a woman in St. Boni, MN (I'm ashamed to say I don't even remember her name now!) helping her with her daycare. One day she made these banana chocolate chip muffins for the kids. They were to die for! I got the recipe from her and have made them as gifts for people around the holidays ever since. And now, because I want to share the wealth, I'm sharing the recipe!

3 ripe bananas - 3/4 c. white sugar - 1 egg - 1 tsp. baking soda - 1 tsp. baking powder - 1 1/2 c. flour - 1/2 c. melted butter - bag of chips (milk chocolate are the best!)

Bake for 20 minutes at 375. Yum!!