The darkness (before the dawn?)

January 22, 2009

I started writing about my day and then went back and erased it. I feel like such a negative person writing about the tough spots. I'm tired of me. Today has been a day full of me questioning my own intuition. Man, that's just a tough spot to be in. Do I know what my body needs right now? Do I know what my mind needs right now? Do I believe what my body is telling me? Am I even together enough these days to know anything?

I've blogged some about how I'm dealing with the grief of losing Harper. And I've blogged quite a bit about the physical challenges I'm facing. One thing I don't think I've been as up front about (though I'm sure it will be no surprise for any regular readers that may be out there) is my struggle with depression. Yep, diagnosable, DSM-IV, major depression.

This isn't the first time I've had an episode of depression in my life, and I highly doubt it will be the last. Today was one of those days where my depression stood front and center, spot light and all. I've a hard time sorting through my thoughts. Every story I encounter I turn a negative spin on.
Example: This morning as I was walking from the parking garage to my office building I started thinking about how sick I felt. Waves of nausea were coming over me. And then a purple and grey pigeon crossed my path. Now, during times when I'm not depressed, I might look over my shoulder to see if anyone is within earshot of me and, if not, I might actually greet the pigeon - out loud. "Hey there little fella." Something like that. But not today. When I'm depressed this is what happens in my head: "Is that bird limping? What if a bird had a disease like mine and was in pain? Oh my gosh, what do dogs and cats and horses and birds do when they're in pain and they don't have a human to take care of them? I know what they do. Animals kill the weakling. Chickens will peck the sick chicken until it dies. It's survival of the fittest. Our world is set up to get rid of the sick and lame - to put them out of their misery. Oh God, would that I could be put out of my misery."

I made it to my office. I had a few ups and downs physically and then the work day drew to a close. But not before I made a trip to the bathroom and felt like I was going to vomit and fall down on the ground. It was all I could do to walk to my car without groaning in pain. As soon as I pulled closed my car door I began to cry. When will it end? I cried as I drove around in circles exiting the parking ramp. I cried as I merged into traffic. I sobbed at the stoplight and worried about the person in the car next to me looking at me. "I'm a mess. I'm such a fake - I don't have anything together. When will it end? And I don't have Harper!" Tears, tears and more tears. Snot and staccato breath. (Okay, now I'm going to be honest with you about my thoughts right now, but please don't freak out okay? I am very familiar with this depression thing and I know that these are just thoughts and are nothing I would ever act on - but this is where I'm at right now - okay?): "Don't people know that I just want to give up? I can't do this any more. I don't want to live. Would people be mad at me if I killed myself? I'm such a freaking mess. Wouldn't they understand? No, no, I could never do that. I need some serious psychiatric help. My medication isn't working any more. I should be able to handle all this, but because I'm such a weak minded fool I can't! I'm so weak minded."

Yeah, I know. It's pretty negative. The first thing I did when I got home though was to call family. I don't sit and wallow in these thoughts when I'm alone. I know when I need help and I reach out for it - okay? So please don't worry about me if you're reading this blog. (Man, writing this one is quite an experiment for me - how much do I put out there? Will this help someone else?)

Talking with my family always helps me. I know that people love me. I know that I never want to leave this earth - I really just want to find a way to live - pain free. I really want to be happy. But that's how depression plays out for people. If you've experienced major depression, you know.

I got a letter from my grandma the other day. It was the sweetest letter. So to the point. My dad told her I was having a hard time. She doesn't want me to give up. She loves me and is praying for me (and my doctors). I'm going to keep that letter close to me. It means so much.

After an hour or so I finally got around to opening my mail. There was a card in there for me from a Minnesota address. I couldn't tell by the handwriting who it was from. When I opened it there was a picture of my friends from high school - Sara, Jessica, Amy, Kim, Molly, and Emily. My friends. Women I knew as girls (since 6th grade). It was the strangest feeling, but I swear I could feel the love from them. How could women who I shared such inconsequential angst with when we were just girls care so much about the heartache I feel as an adult woman? But they do. I know they do. I feel so connected to them. And I'm so thankful for the love they gave me today in that card.

So that's been my day today. I'm in bed now with my laptop, ready to power down. Ready to get a good night's sleep and head in for my scoping/dilation in the morning! Sleep tight.