January 17, 2009
I woke up at 3:42 a.m. to, yes, you guessed it, go to the bathroom. When I came back to bed my mind was racing. I started thinking about Harper, as I am wont to do in the wee hours. "Stop, stop, stop, stop," I said to myself. I knew I would never get back to sleep if I let my mind wander there. A short poem came to my mind; Tiny fingers, tiny toes, but the little voice, I'll never know.
I know what she looked like, but I will never get to hear her little girl voice. Little girls' voices are so wonderful too aren't they? I think about my niece Delia's voice and how I practically melt whenever she talks to me. She could get by with anything with that voice (and she might know it). But my favorite is when she says, "I love you Abby." Ohhhhh . . . .
3:43 a.m. my mind went to being in the hospital after I gave birth to Harper. I thought about how the very next day, not even 24 hours after having given still-birth the chipper little nurse who was assigned to me wanted me to get up and move around. In my mind I knew she was a sweetheart, but I really just wanted to knock her over with my fluid filled arms that I could hardly move. At that point I had over a hundred pounds of extra fluid on me because of the medications I was on. Get up and move - yeah right. What about the fact that I just gave birth to a dead baby? Maybe what would be best for me would be for someone to put their arms around me and just hold me for a few days. How about that? As I lay in bed last night thinking about that I just wanted to punch the mattress as hard as I could. There was no time to grieve. Now I wish I could go back in time and just yell at the top of my lungs.
I was finally able to get back to sleep. Today has been a little tough for me. When I've gone to the bathroom I've had some problems and I worry that the dilation didn't work. I'm pretty freaked out today. We'll see how today and tomorrow go and if need be, I'll call Dr. T on Monday. I'm so scared. I keep trying to tell myself that I'll be able to deal with whatever happens. Jeremy tried to reassure me of that too. It's just so frustrating.
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I've never understood how some people seem to be so completely clueless as to how to respond to someone who's grieving. Sheesh!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you a lot lately--especially with your most recent events. Praying for you, Abby. I imagine it's very hard to fight the fear and discouragement at this point in the game. Love you!
Abby--
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that I think about you often. I haven't regularly been checking your blog; honestly your feelings for Harper sometimes hit too close to home and bring back feelings I'm not always ready for. Losing a child is so hard and you have this added burden of dealing with all your health problems.
I have no magic words to make you feel better. To make MYSELF feel better, I have to believe the following:
My kids in heaven know that I love them.
They are waiting for me and our family will be re-united.
They know that I did the best I could for them, and they want me to be happy.
Take care,
Kim
Oh my gosh Kim,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand about the grief hitting too close to home. I TOTALLY understand. You have been a major support to me. You will never know how much that means to me.
Thank you.
Abby