The results are in

January 16, 2009

I guess I'm feeling a little numb right now. I slept fairly well last night. I think Jeremy was more anxious this morning than I was. He kept starting to talk through how we would deal with the worst case scenario happening and I'd start laughing. "Are you trying to make me feel better?" He'd grin kind of sheepishly and then explain that he needed to talk through some of this. "Can you do it up there?" I asked as I pointed to his head.

All morning I focused on just getting through the procedure. "Didn't she have to have you completely under last time when she dilated you?" Jeremy asked. I told him she did. "Oh, that's going to be painful then," he said.

"Again, are you trying to comfort me?" I laughed. He laughed too this time.

"I'm sorry, that sort of just came out," he said. Once we got going though, he was a pillar of strength. As I laid in the prep gurney with my freshly donned IV he squatted on the floor next to me and kept me occupied with funny little anecdotes. There were plenty of kisses and the smoothing of my hair too. I so wished he could go into the exam room with me - it would have calmed me down so much.

In the exam room they gave me the good drugs. "In a matter of seconds it's going to feel like you've drank a half a bottle of wine," Dr. T said. "Bring it on then!" I responded. She was right. I was awake enough to see what was going on and to feel a large amount of discomfort. There was no pouchitis there. There was, however, not a very large opening to my j-pouch. She said she was going to dilate it right then, which she did, which did not feel good. When she was done I vaguely remember someone telling me I could close my eyes (or did I make that part up?).

The next thing I remember I was back in the curtained off area with Jeremy and Dr. T. Dr. T was explaining that the hole was the size of a straw opening and that's why I was having such difficulty going to the bathroom. She dilated it to the size of a quarter. Apparently she said she doesn't expect me to go for more than two weeks before the hole will start closing up again. (That part of the conversation I don't remember, but Jeremy said I was still a little drugged up then.) When it starts to close again I should call her and we'll go through this procedure again to dilate the hole. Ultimately, however, she believes the j-pouch will need to be revised. She said she likes to wait a year before revising a j-pouch, but that she doesn't know if I'll be able to handle all of this that long. It's already been three months since my j-pouch was constructed.

Dr. T explained that revising my j-pouch would be the most difficult surgery I have had to date. She said that it's a very complicated surgery. She would like to keep the j-pouch that has already been created, but that isn't always possible. She said if it isn't possible and a new j-pouch needs to be created it can take up more of the small intestine and ultimately there might not be enough small intestine left to stretch down to my rectum. Thus leaving me with a permanent ileostomy.

If she revised my j-pouch and everything went smoothly, I would be left with a temporary diverted ileostomy until the j-pouch healed. After about three months of healing then the temporary ileostomy could be taken down (what I just had done a few weeks ago).

I know it's hard to picture. For those of you who are interested in learning more about it, here is a great link to a little tutorial with diagrams and everything. http://www.j-pouch.org/illustratedpouch/basicanatomy.html Check it out if you have a few minutes.

As I said earlier, I'm a little numb emotionally right now. All of this hasn't completely sunk in yet. When we got home I took another percocet and took a long nap. I just woke up. My bum's a little sore (of course!) so I think a warm bath is on tap for the night. I tend to do a lot of my deep thinking when I take a tub - so perhaps that'll be the time for me to mull all this over.

I did have these moments of resignation today when I thought, "I'll just deal with whatever happens." What else can we do? Jeremy, God bless the man, said that he's ready for whatever comes our way. I think his biggest worry about all of this is that my spirit is going to break in this process. I guess I worry about that too. How much can one person take? Gosh, I even feel silly writing that because there are so many people out there who have dealt with and are dealing with so much more than I.

The things that made me smile today:

My niece Delia said, "Good luck wif your test today. I lub you." She also sang for me "If you like it then you should've put a ring on it," and totally cracked me up!

As I was getting ready for my exam this morning Jeremy affectionately squeezed my bum. Then he said, "Oh, I probably shouldn't goose you this morning. Your poor butt is going to have enough attention today." Made me laugh.

My brother told me Jonas' bum is sore today too from diaper rash - so I know the little guy can relate to his Aunt Abby.

Of course, the drugs made me smile, and laugh, and act just a little goofy. =)