Voices to the sky

March 26, 2009

I was thinking today (yes, on my ride home from work) about my tattoo. Getting my tattoo, something permanent that reminds me of Harper, is allowing me to let go of other things, like her ashes. I think I'm at a place now where I'm ready to scatter her ashes. I told Jeremy the other day that if it works out maybe we can do it on the day I delivered her. Wow. As I was writing those words I delivered her the double entendre struck me. Except perhaps the opposite is true. Perhaps she delivered me.

Anyway, back to my ride home from work. I was thinking about Harper's ashes. I thought about how one time when I was in the valley of my grief I didn't want to let go of her little body. I didn't want to let go of her ashes. I wanted her to still be a part of me. I wanted to cover my face with her ashes and wash my hands with them. Then I started thinking about expressions of grief and how in biblical times (and maybe still to this day other cultures do this) people would tear their clothes as a symbol of their grief. I understand that. At one point, doing that would have been satisfying to me. It would have felt appropriate.

When I went back to work after losing Harper I thought how sad it is that our culture gave up the tradition of wearing a black arm band when one is grieving. I wished I had a black arm band so people knew why I was the way I was. I also wish when I encounter other people who are grieving that there would be some way of knowing. Why did we stop doing that?

From there my thoughts went to how I am not feeling sad right now. In fact, I am feeling hopeful. I might even go so far as saying I feel, brace yourself, jubilant! Yes, that's right. I think jubilant describes how I feel about being healthy and hopeful again. I was trying to picture something that people do to express this feeling. The first thing that popped into my mind was an African tribe stomping their bare feet on the dusty ground and dancing together, raising their voices to the sky. I have no idea where that image came from, but it fit how I was feeling on my sunny drive home from work. Can you see it?