The great motivator

March 17, 2009

I'm fighting with the "shoulds" in my mind today. All day long I was thinking about Harper, wondering, "Should I still be missing her and thinking about her this much?" Am I stuck in one of the grief stages? I just don't know. I've never done this grief thing before. Then there's this other part of me that thinks, I want to think about her every day. She is a part of my life. She will always be a part of my life. I don't have to get over her.

Then I started worrying about my marriage. What if Jeremy gets tired of hearing me talk about how I miss her? I'm going to miss her for the rest of my life! There is still a part of me that's scared that how we deal with the grief of Harper's loss will cause problems for us in our marriage. I'm really not basing that fear on anything that's happened so far (thank God - seriously). It's just a fear. I know that it's these types of things that can cause marriages to end.

Really, when I look at our marriage though, I can see that what's happened hasn't torn us apart but that we've grown closer together. It takes vigilance though. It really does. There has been so much sadness shared in our home. Oh, when I think back to when the wounds were fresh and raw. I can see how far I've come in the grieving. The first few weeks when I couldn't get out of bed and broke down sobbing out of the blue several times a day, Jeremy was right there holding me and comforting me. I was so fragile. I'm stronger now.

I wish there was something wonderful that I could do for Jeremy, not because I feel obligated or because I feel bad for what we've been through, but because I would love to see that he wasn't worrying any more. He's been on orange alert for so long; too long. The thought that me getting strong and healthy helps relieve his stress is a great motivator for me.