It's a start anyway

March 9, 2009

Today has been a good day; practically pain free! I found myself feeling anxious about whether my good feeling was going to leave me or not throughout the day. That's just so stupid! I'm really working on changing my perspective about all that I've been through. Talking through things with a few different people has really helped me with this (so know that these aren't all original thoughts!).

There isn't going to be some final, magic, cure to everything I've been through. It's not like I'm going to take a medication or have a surgery and then everything will be okay. This healing thing is a process (haven't I learned that yet?). I'm much better off today than I was a year ago. Bumps in the road don't have to mean my world is falling apart.

We saw Dr. G (GI doc) this afternoon. Basically he said he didn't want to make any changes until he got to talk with Dr. T (which they've been trying to do). He said the fact that we've done so many dilations and it hasn't stayed dilated does sound like revision surgery is going to be necessary to change that. He also agreed that the pouchitis could have been caused by my inability to evacuate completely because of the stricture at the opening of the pouch, leaving bacteria there in the pouch to grow. He said he would try to talk with Dr. T by my appointment with her on Friday. Finally, he told me how to get in to see him if I need to before my next appointment with him (which had been a major frustration for me). All in all I am still feeling like I'm going to get through this eventually.

On another topic, there are some things I think I've been really hard on myself about too that I'm trying to let go of. One is that I have felt guilty that I didn't come to a place of acceptance with having the ileostomy before I was able to get rid of it. You know what, I don't think it's something that I need to accept! It's okay that I hated it. It's okay that I'm relieved that I don't have to have a bag attached to me any more. It doesn't mean God is conspiring to punish me for my vanity and is going to make me have one again. I don't believe that's who God is anyway. I need to trust that.

The other thing is that I've had to face many of my own judgments that I've held - judgements about beauty and appearance most of all. I have felt an incredible sense of guilt for thinking things about people's appearance. I realized the other night when I was talking with Dr. N that although I thought things about people and how they looked, I have always done my best not to gossip or make remarks or treat people any differently because of their appearance. I guess I'm realizing that I could be a little easier on myself about that. We all think and notice things about other people. The things that I notice have never been the deciding factor in whether I would befriend someone or not. I think that's what matters.

So I'm trying to let up on myself a little bit. I don't think I would be nearly as hard on a loved one who was going through what I've been through as I am on myself. Realizing and doing are two different things though, aren't they? Perhaps this is where I need to start putting this new found faith of mine into action. Is this something that I can ask this God of mine to help me with? I don't even know what it would mean to do that at this point. Is it just like cognitive therapy - when I start to think about how guilty I feel, ask God to help me not feel guilty? Sometimes I'm still a little skeptical about prayer. I don't know what God hears or acts on or what he cares about. Sounds pretty bad huh? It's true. But at least I'm to a place where I believe that He exists!! Not only that, I believe that I'm experiencing God every time I experience love. I believe that I'm experiencing God every time I experience forgiveness. I believe I'm experiencing God every time something good or beautiful happens. It's a start anyway!