March 18, 2009
I no longer fear the questions. I have so many questions for God. Though I knew intellectually that it was okay for me to ask questions of God, emotionally I used to feel a great amount of guilt for doing so. Maybe not so much guilt, but this sense of defensiveness. Like I had to prove to others I was a person of faith and if I asked questions I had to explain why and how I could have such questions. No more. Now I let the questions fly without reservation.
First of all, the questions are authentic. They are coming from a place of really trying to figure out what is going on. I need to make sense of the chaos if I'm going to be able to survive it (or so I think). But more than that, I have to believe that God wants me to ask the questions. The fact that I'm seeking answers from him has to say something to him about my heart.
Never before in my life have things been as clear as they are to me right now, in the midst of all the chaos. Isn't that crazy? What is real and true and what is important have settled deep inside me. It's like I've sifted through all the dogma and while there are only a few ideas, principles, tenants, whatever you want to call them, that have fallen through the sieve, they have settled there and are growing roots.
One of the seedlings that has taken root in me is about love. I feel like I've experienced God through the love that people have poured out on Jeremy and me this past year (God is love, right?). It has been life changing for me. Before that, I have no idea what I thought experiencing God was about. It was all just language to me. Gorgeous sunsets and views from the mountain top were awe inspiring, yes, but they were not experiencing God like this. Man, I'm getting all emotional writing about this. It kind of chokes me up. I'm just so thankful.
By the way, I've been feeling really good physically lately. For that I'm thankful too!
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Oh Abby....I'm sooooooooo glad...no...ELATED that you are feeling better - at least for now! I'm sure you savor these times of respite from pain....we all take feeling 'normal' much too much for granted!! Thank you for sharing all of your reality...when you are feeling 'the good, the bad and the ugly' so to speak. You are authentic and the world needs more like you! I don't believe God is put off by honest seeking; authentic searching. Just the opposite; I believe that He welcomes, desires, is pleased and waits for this in us! A.W. Tozer writes:
ReplyDelete"In coming to God at any time we need not wonder whether we shall find Him in a receptive mood. He is always receptive to misery and need, as well as to love and faith. He does not keep office hours nor set aside periods of time when He will see no one. God never changes moods or cools off in His affections or loses enthusiasm." So I say, ask away! "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these other things will be added unto you!"....this is not trite, but TRUTH!
Asking questions & trusting Him along with you,
LyNae