Dreaming and planning

March 24, 2009

Today was the day, one year ago, when I was hospitalized. I remember every detail of that day, until I actually got to my hospital room. Then the days blur together in my mind. But I don't want to live in the past today. I want to be where I am right now.

Today was a very good day. I can't believe how many very good days I've been having in a row!! I didn't have to go into work until noon today and Jeremy didn't work today so we got to spend the morning together. When I woke up he was just getting back from the grocery store where he bought me a Starbucks iced mocha, half-caf with whip. Yum!

We lazed around a little bit and then threw on our workout clothes and went for a walk in the beautiful Arizona sunshine. I love walking with him. We get to talk and catch up on things and dream and plan. And that's what we did this morning. We dreamed and planned. Do you know how long it's been since dreaming and planning has been a part of our lives? It's been a long time. It's such an important part of living too.

Give a girl a week or so of feeling good and watch her mind go! Already I have plans in my mind to run a race this year sometime (of course whether it's a 5K or a half-marathon is yet to be determined by my on-going energy level). I'm thinking about what yoga classes might work with my schedule. Today I looked up The Good Samaritans to see about volunteering with them (something we looked in to a while back but never ended up doing). Jeremy and I talked about home improvement projects we would like to do. We also talked about what the future holds for us as far as having a baby is concerned. Lots of things to think about . . .

One thing that dawned on me today on my drive to work (it's always on my drive to/from work, isn't it?) is that I think there was this part of me that was afraid that something had happened to my personality that made me become one of those complaining type people through this whole ordeal. Maybe life was really pretty good and I was just not ever going to be happy because of some personality flaw or something. Today I actually thought to myself, "See Abby, it's not that you wanted to be in pain all the time so you could complain. You really did want to be pain-free and happy!" I have no idea where that came from. Probably because I really don't want to be a negative person. I don't want people to say, "Oh here she comes, that woman that always complains about how bad her health is." Part of it is also that I feel personally responsible for all that happened too. But I know that's just crazy talk. And I honestly think I'm getting better at thinking about it in terms of it being something that's happened to me, not something that is my fault.

I feel like I'm babbling a bit here, so I'm going to end for now.