One, two, three, four, five . . .

March 1, 2009

I had a couple of really good days this weekend. Both Friday and Saturday I felt good. Today has been a little tougher, but I'm still hoping there will be more good days to come. I have an appointment with Dr. T on Wednesday afternoon, so even though I'm not feeling well today, I'm not too panicked about it because I know I'll get to talk with her.

When I met with Dr. N on Thursday evening we talked some about my anxiety. I told him that I felt like I had a panic attack the other night and that I've been counting a lot more lately. He asked if I do anything behaviorally to deal with the counting. I told him that I just tell myself STOP and then I stop the counting. He told me to start paying attention to what it is that I'm feeling and thinking when I catch myself counting. So I've been trying to do that.

Maybe I should explain the counting thing. For as far back as I can remember I've counted things; my teeth, my fingers, my breaths, my footsteps, how many times I chew my food, the number of times the phone rings, any other sound that is repetitive, etc., etc. I might also spell words over and over in my mind (or with my hands because I know sign language). There are a few other things like that that I do. Normally, it's just something that I notice that I do and it doesn't really bother me. It's just one of my quirks. But at times when I've had serious bouts of depression my counting also gets worse. It reaches a point where I'm very aware that I'm counting all the time and I can't get myself to stop. I get a little frantic in wanting my mind to relax, but it just can't. (I think I do actually meet the criteria for being diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but for some reason this diagnosis is not one I'm ashamed of. I think it is kind of quirky and interesting and besides, most people who are diagnosed with it are pretty intelligent - smile.)

So in trying to pay attention to what I'm thinking and feeling when I catch myself counting I realized that I'm thinking about my health. I know, that's not really a shocker at all. Of course I get anxious when I think about my health. But taking it further, I have a very deep fear that I'm going to have to have an ostomy bag again. I'm terrified of it. I look back over the eight months that I had one attached to me and I have no idea how I managed. I actually stood in front of close to sixty people and taught a class at work with a bag attached to me. You know how you scrutinize people when they are speaking in front of you (more from boredom than from being critical, but still)? I can't believe that I did that.

I have this feeling that there is a lesson that God or the universe or whatever wants me to learn and that I haven't learned it yet. This time without an ostomy bag has just been a respite for me, because God knew I needed a break. But I didn't learn what I was supposed to learn and so things are going to happen to me so I'll learn it; that beauty doesn't matter. Then I take this all another step further and I think that if I end up with another ostomy, I brought it on myself! Isn't this just messed up? But it's what's going on in my head. Some how I have this deeply ingrained belief that I deserved all that I've been through. I don't know how to let go of that feeling. Ahhhhhh!

Jeremy and I had a sweet moment of peace together this weekend. He had just gotten home from playing tennis and drinking beer with a buddy (not simultaneously - I don't think). I had gotten back from a wonderful coffee with a friend. I had a new mix CD playing and sat down on the couch in our sitting area off the kitchen. Jeremy laid down on the couch and put his sunburned head on my lap. The back door was open so we could hear the water from our fountain. We started talking about Harper. It was sweet. She was with us in spirit. We both cried as we talked. I realized that while we both have been grieving in our own separate ways, the coming together to grieve together is important too. I need that. It's a tough thing to balance or to even know how to balance, but I think we're figuring it out.