Tattoo

March 25, 2009

I'm feeling great again today. Surely I've turned the corner? I do have a dilation scheduled for Friday, but I'm not even sure that I need it. It will be interesting to see what Dr. T says after she checks out what's going on inside.

I've been daydreaming about the possibility of having a baby. I'm not ready yet. My body isn't ready yet, and there may be too much scar tissue around my ovaries and such for me to actually get pregnant again, but still I daydream. It's a strange thing to start allowing those dreams back. Tonight as I was laying on the couch reading and Jeremy was laying on the couch listening to his new Church CD, I could picture a little one here with us. I could see him/her cuddling up to me and reading too. It just fit the picture. And then I panicked a little. By having another child in my daydreams, am I replacing Harper? I don't think so, but still I panicked a little. She is my child and I don't want to let go of her. Even if we were able to have another child, Harper would be the big sister that wasn't there. She would be the big sister, the "Delia" in my mind.

So this last weekend while I was in Chicago I did something to commemorate Harper. I haven't wanted to write about it because I've been a little afraid that people would judge me. But it was monumental to me. So I want to explain myself, but first I'll tell you what I did (as if you didn't know already). I got a tattoo of a hummingbird over my heart. I experienced Harper as a little hummingbird fluttering inside me. Every time I see a hummingbird (which is almost daily in our back yard) I think of her. I had been thinking about the tattoo for quite some time. I decided it was a good time to do it; the anniversary weekend of when I got sick.

I sat in the chair while Mark, the tattoo artist worked his craft. It hurt, but I didn't flinch. When I experienced pain I thought, "It's fitting that this would hurt." There has been pain associated with this experience, but look at what a beautiful thing there is as a result? I think the tattoo is beautiful. And I will have it forever. She will always be a part of me.

The other part of getting the tattoo that was fulfilling to me is that this whole experience has really made my body look quite hideous to society's standards, which I am coming to terms with and am at a point where I can almost laugh. But I thought, why not add some beauty to it? Why not do something to make it more interesting looking. It was empowering to me.

There is part of me that feels a little vulnerable putting it out there that I did this. But it's actually an important part of my healing, believe it or not, so I wanted to share it. There's another part of me that is angry that I care at all what people think about me. So I guess the truth lies somewhere in between right?