TMI?

March 31, 2009

I've had a busy few days! Which to translate means I've been feeling really good and been engaging in life again! Sunday I actually went for a run! Can you believe it? I only ran probably just under a mile and walked another mile on top of that, but it was a start. It felt so good. When I got home I came through the front door and said, "Jeremy, who am I?" and I hunched my shoulders over, hung my head and started taking about four inch steps very slowly.

"You're you after you got home from the hospital," he said.

"Okay, now who am I?" I asked and I started running through the house, pumping my arms.

"You're the Abby we've been waiting for," he said. I love it! Yes, my quads have been aching the last couple of days, but it's that good ache. Oh, man, I felt my heart beating quickly and found a nice even pace as I was running. When I stopped I felt the high. Boy, one taste of that runner's high and you'll never want to stop! It's a beautiful thing. I missed it! Percocet just doesn't compare.

Jeremy and I went to a wedding on Sunday evening. It was a beautiful day (a little windy, but I won't complain!). The wedding was outdoors as was the reception. We ate our dinner under the light of a sliver of a moon. I cried when the bride and groom exchanged their vows. I thought about Jeremy and I (because it's all about me -right?) on our wedding day and how we just had no idea what was in store for us, but we had love. We were crazy about each other, and we were so young. I felt so old and wise sitting there. (This is getting a little too schmaltzy isn't it?)

I started crying to the point that I was almost weeping when the father of the bride gave his toast. Jeremy was sitting in front of me and I leaned into his back, grabbed his hand and let the tears come. I cried because I was picturing Jeremy saying the same words at Harper's wedding, which would never happen. And I think Jeremy knew that's why I was crying because he comforted me, not in the way that said he thinks it's endearing that I cry at weddings, but in a way that said he understood that the tears were from something deeper.

I had a wonderful time at the wedding, laughing and visiting with friends. Having friends is such a gift, but having funny, entertaining friends is icing on the cake!!

I've been thinking about my mom's upcoming surgery lately. I'll leave on the 8th for Wisconsin. It feels so good to be in a position where I can give and help someone else for a change. I'm not the one needing all the time any more. It's like I had this fear that I had just become this needy person. No more independent Abby. She was gone, just like that. And I honestly didn't know if I would ever see her again.

The other piece of news that may be filed under "TMI" is that I finally got my period again. Yes, that may be too much intimate information for some of you, but I see it as a purely medical sign that my body is healing in leaps and bounds! It makes me feel so normal. It makes me feel whole. I'm at a healthy weight again. I think I've got some color back to my skin tone. And now I finally have my period again. I told my sister I haven't been so excited to get my period since I was in junior high waiting to get it for the first time.

Along those lines, Jeremy and I have been talking over whether we want to try to get pregnant again or not. This is not an easy decision for us. There are a lot of fears associated with getting pregnant again. We have played a lot of "what if" games regarding how we would handle another health crisis if it was brought on by another pregnancy. Not that any doctors have said anything about that happening. But still, there's fear. And so our conversations turn to sorting through how we handled the decisions we were faced with during our last crisis. There were so many tough decisions that we had to make - as a team. Would we do things differently? They haven't been easy talks, I'll tell you that much. And sometimes I wonder if they are just exercises in futility. At some point we have to let go of the fear and make a decision about what we want to do and go for it.

I'm trying. I'm trying to live my life without fear. It gets easier and easier the further away from the crisis I get. Thank God.