The whole of my life

April 26, 2009

I've been thinking a lot about my blog lately. I started blogging as a way to keep people updated about how I was doing, as a way to process what I was going through, and in hopes of somehow helping other souls out there who may be struggling with grief and loss. I've been wondering how much I really need to do this for myself any longer. Don't get me wrong, I love writing and will continue to write and journal on my own (as I have since I was about six years old), but I wonder how much of what I'm thinking and feeling any more needs to be shared in this type of forum. I'm not exactly ready to stop now, but I'm thinking about it.

I was thinking the other day about how the loss of Harper is something that I think about every day. This has been one of my main outlets for those types of thoughts, and it could most certainly continue to be for me. I've thought, well maybe continuing to write about the thoughts that I have of her every day is a way to show people that the loss is always there. The amount of heartache changes from day to day, but regardless of that, the loss is always there.

I thought about how physically I'm doing pretty well these days. My weight is about normal now (which means I have to stop eating to gain weight - that's going to be tough and not as much fun). I may still have some health issues, but I don't feel sick any more. I feel like I have the same amount of energy I used to have (less a chronological year). While my body image is still somewhat of an issue for me (after all the poor thing has been through), quite honestly, that is an issue that I struggled with before all this happened too!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is back to normal for me. If you've been reading this blog waiting for that to happen (because so many people are reading with bated breath, right? smile), then you can stop reading now. I'm still gonna blog for now though. And if you chose to keep reading, just know that when I write about things like thoughts of Harper, or struggling with getting poked and prodded, that is not the whole of my life - that's just what I blog about. The whole of my life is right here in my living room with me, napping on the couch (and one part of the whole is napping on the floor). The whole of my life is setting up the coffee maker tonight so it will go off at 5:30 in the morning and I can wake up with a hot cup and sit in the backyard in the silence. The whole of my life is driving in to work on a Monday morning, looking forward to seeing the wonderful people I work with at a job I love. It's going out to dinner with dear friends in the evening, no agenda, just conversation and good food. That is the whole of my life.