One thought leads to another

April 2, 2009

I got a good night's sleep last night! Woohoo! I felt rested today. That makes such a big difference. Yesterday I tried to e-mail Dr. T. I realized that my Cipro would end while I am in Wisconsin for my mom's surgery next week, and I was worried that I would get sick once I go off it. Last Saturday when I missed a dose I didn't feel well. I explained to her my symptoms that started on Saturday (pelvic pain, increase in number of BMs, watery BMs, burning when I have a BM) and then went away when I took the Cipro again. Maybe that was just all coincidence, I don't know, but I didn't want to risk it while I was out of town. So I asked for just one more week of Cipro and she gave me two more months! I was so relieved. She asked that I set up a time to meet with her after I get back from Wisconsin, so I scheduled an appointment for April 29th. I'm guessing we'll talk long-term plans at that appointment.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it's like to be in pain. A couple of things in particular around that topic. One is that I really think I have a pretty high threshold for pain. Being on the other side of pain gives you a totally, totally different perspective than when you are in it. When you are in the hospital, you get asked what your pain level is all-the-time. You are supposed to rate it on a scale of one to ten. When I was in the hospital I was telling people my pain was a 3 all the time. A 3! I look back now and think, "Come on Abby. You could hardly stand the pain! A 3? Really?!" I was basing the number on the fact that I knew it could get a lot worse. But what I really was feeling was that my pain was probably at a 7 or 8 most of the time.

So today while I was having a bowel movement (lovely huh?), I was thinking about how much pain I was in not that long ago when I would have bowel movements. That was some serious pain too (somewhere in the 6-8 range). But now, being on the other side of it, having come through it and no longer being in pain, it all seems so manageable. Because in my mind I now know there was an END to it. When you are in pain, you are constantly deciding how long you will be able to withstand the pain. If someone had told me a year ago that in one year I wouldn't have any more pain (physically speaking), I believe I would have dealt with the pain much better than I did. Isn't that strange? That's why hope is so important to people who are experiencing pain. You need to believe there is going to be an end. But I never knew, was I just going to be in chronic pain for the rest of my life, or would this get better?

So I was taking this whole thought process to another level too. In thinking about the Crucifixion, I was wondering, did Jesus know how long his physical pain would last? He knew what the long-term plan was - right? He knew he was going to die. I'm not trying to be blasphemous by asking this question. It just really got me to thinking.

So then I took this thought to another place too. I have always thought that the worst way to die would be to be raped and murdered (Gees Abby, give it a rest!). As I was thinking about this whole idea of pain being easier when you know there's an end, I actually became less afraid of dying that way. I thought to myself, "If I was ever brutally attacked, at least I would know an end was coming in the form of death." Somehow that thought made me less afraid.

Those thoughts led me to: I've always had this underlying belief that I have a weak spirit; that I just don't have much fight in me. In moments where fight or flight is supposed to kick in, I freeze. In imagining scenarios (why do I even do that?) I always picture myself being quick to give up. Stories about people who fight to stay alive (remember the guy who cut off his own arm when it got stuck while he was caving?) fascinate me. Is there something innate in us? Where does that come from? Is it something you can change? Could I become a fighter instead of a freezer?

As I was thinking about my blog on my way home from work, I thought to myself, "I bet if there are people who read this blog but don't know me, they have a pretty skewed view of who I am." I was thinking about how happy I've been lately, but I don't know that you'd really know it reading my blog! So let me just tell you a few things about my day today:

*I skipped over the sad songs on the CDs I was listening to.
*I played with Django (our dog) this morning as I was getting ready for work.
*Jeremy and I gave each other an extra kiss this morning before he left for work because we thought it was funny how Django pays extra attention to us when we are being affectionate with each other.
*I laughed hard with some co-workers about a practical joke we played on one of our other co-workers yesterday!
*I made a colon ":" joke at work.
*I treated myself to an iced chai-latte and a caramel apple bar this afternoon.
*I walked up the stairs instead of taking the elevator at the parking garage to get to the third level where I parked.