Trying to stay positive

April 16, 2009

I had a dilation yesterday afternoon. Dr. T said the scar tissue around the opening to my j-pouch had definitely closed up. Even though they give me drugs to mellow me out and forget the procedure, I remember yesterday. I remember how painful it was. I remember groaning and telling her how much it hurt and asking her when she would be done. She wants me to come back for another dilation in three weeks. Bummer.

I feel a little down today, but not depressed, just down. Maybe I'm just tired too. I've been thinking this morning about Harper's birthday coming up next week. I finally got up enough courage to ask my supervisor if I could work something out so I did not have to come in to work that day. I'm all out of PLT and sick time. She told me I could work on the weekend instead, which is great. I'm so glad. Jeremy and I are going to spend the day together and we're going to go scatter Harper's ashes. Already I'm feeling sad.

We've been talking about whether to try to get pregnant again or not. My surgeon has recommended that if having a baby is something we want to do, we should start trying now (she was pretty emphatic). She said that with every surgery my chances of being able to get pregnant decrease, and I definitely need another surgery. Statistically my chances have already diminished some. She said I could take antibiotics if I got pouchitis when pregnant, and I could get dilations if I needed when pregnant, and I can do the nightly enemas to treat my UC during pregnancy too. It's just a lot to think about though. Dealing with pouchitis, dilations, and UC aren't fun when I'm just worrying about me. I can't imagine having to deal with those things if I was pregnant too. But if waiting till after surgery meant we couldn't get pregnant, what would that be like? There are just so many things to consider. Do I even feel well enough to be pregnant right now?

Today I started getting some lower right side back pain. That together with my lower pelvic pain makes me wonder if I'm getting some sort of bladder/kidney infection. I just don't know my body any more. It's hard to tell. I had thought maybe my j-pouch was inflamed and that's why the pelvic pain (because apparently the j-pouch sits on my pelvis internally), but as far as I can remember (I was a little groggy), Dr. T said it looked okay. I cry a whole lot easier when I'm in pain (smile). And when I'm tired (smile). I just happen to have both those things going for me today. Oh well . . . tomorrow is another day, right?

On my way home from work I was doing a little pep talk, "Okay, think about things that have made you happy lately. Focus on those things. You saw that coyote on the way home from the airport Tuesday night. That was pretty cool. Then you saw that roadrunner on the way in to work today. That was cool too." That was about as far as I got, but I did come to the realization (it's not like this is the first time I've had this realization either) that being out in nature really makes me happy. I feel like I just bubble up inside when I see animals in their natural setting. Hiking in the mountains in the desert always leaves me in a state of wonder too. I love it! Maybe that's where Jeremy and I will go to scatter Harper's ashes.

I want to try to end on a positive note here (because I really need that for myself right now). Sooooo, perhaps I should make a list of things I'm thankful for today:
1) People who are generous enough of spirit to give compliments.
2) Having access to excellent medical care (UMC was rated in the top 100 hospitals in the country recently).
3) That I have enough money to treat myself to Starbucks (Jeremy and I spent $11 at Starbucks this morning - WHAT?! We got baked goods too though, but still!)
4) That I work with such understanding, caring people.
5) That the Internet can connect me to people I might not otherwise get to connect with - ever - so I don't feel so isolated and alone (that's you Marianne!).
6) For pain meds (it's been a rough day).
7) That my dog doesn't bolt when I open the door.
8) Oh man - I was reading about some of the difficulties that my fellow j-pouchers have had to deal with and, without going into a lot of detail, I just want to say how thankful I am that I had the few problems I had. Things could have gotten so much worse. It's okay to be thankful that things didn't get worse - right? That's not coming from a bad attitude is it? Because I really was thankful for that today. God knew what I could and could not handle - he promised and stuck to his promise - thank you God!