Judge not

April 4, 2009

Today was a full and productive day. I love it that I'm able to schedule visits with friends without worrying about whether I'll be feeling up to it or not.

I wasn't in the best of moods today when I had time to be alone and really think. In fact, there was a moment where I was thinking about my faith and trying to figure out what it is that I believe and I felt really angry at God. It was odd. Maybe angry isn't the right word. No, I think what I was feeling was irritated at God. I'm irritated with God that this whole faith thing is so unclear to me. Why can't he just make things clear and easy? (Because then it wouldn't be faith Abby - yes, I know.)

I've been having all these thoughts about judging others today. The whole, "Judge not, lest ye be judged," verse - I have a new take on that. Stay with me here.

I remember a few years ago reading an article in a magazine, I think it was one of those advice columns actually (no, not "Dear Abby" - smile). The woman who wrote in was asking advice on what to do when she was invited to a baby shower but just couldn't go because she was having problems conceiving. I remember getting really upset about that and thinking, "Are you serious? That woman couldn't enter into someone else's joy just because they had something she wanted?" I even thought about writing in a response to the magazine (I cringe just thinking about it now.). Boy, am I glad I didn't.

I know now, having experienced the loss of Harper, that it wasn't jealousy that kept the woman from attending the baby shower, it was grief. And I have now been in the exact same situation. And I understand what the woman was going through. So here is my new understanding of the "Judge not" verse: I don't think Jesus said those words (I think it was Jesus who said them) to protect us from the judgement of others. I think he said those words because when we judge others, we really do judge ourselves. And that judgment of ourselves makes receiving forgiveness very difficult. I have really beat myself up over not attending the baby shower of a friend. I wasn't even able to buy a baby gift for her. If I had not judged that woman from the magazine so harshly, I would have been able to be more gentle with myself about this whole issue.

I was at Target today and usually when I walk through the store I turn my head away from the baby section as I walk by. I don't even look. Today though, I thought I would test my reaction - see if I have healed enough to look at baby things. I walked over to the end of one of the aisles and picked up the tiniest pink newborn booties. I held them in my hands and thought about how Harper's little feet would have swam in them - they would have fallen off of her, but they were so tiny! I carry in my wallet a laminated copy of her hand and footprints in their actual size. I wanted to pull out my wallet and hold the footprints up to the little booties, but I didn't. I wanted to stop the strangers walking by me and show them my little girl's footprints, "See how small? She was small, but she was complete. Perfectly formed tiny little feet." But I didn't.

I also didn't break down sobbing at Target, which I consider a step in the right direction. I'm healing. I know I am. It's good.