Giving back

April 6, 2009

I can't believe the day is over already! Where did it go? Well, actually, I know one place the evening went - to my taxes! And now I can breath a sigh of relief - they are done and filed! Woohooo! I think I have a bit of a tension headache now though. I guess that's what the hot-tub is for though, huh? Guess where I'll be going when I finish my blog? (smile)

Doing our taxes was actually a bit of a walk down memory lane for me; looking over our expenses from the past year, the gifts we have been given - all of it. I laughed to myself when I was going through our bank statements and saw "UMC Cafeteria" posted too many times to count. Poor Jeremy lived off the hospital cafeteria food for far too long!

I also came across the bank charge from the funeral home for Harper's cremation. I felt a pang. I felt more than a pang. I felt as though if I let myself, I could sob. It was unexpected, seeing that. There are places that I expect to see her and be reminded of her - her footprints hanging in a frame in our fireplace room - her footprints in my wallet - the tattoo in the mirror - but I'm expecting her in those places, even looking for her there. It's when the thought of her is unexpected that the emotions flow a little more rapidly. I imagine that's the way it will always be.

I'm preparing myself for my mom's surgery. (Mom, if you're reading this, stop reading now - okay? smile I'll tell you about it later. I don't want you worrying about me!) I am very eager to take care of her and love on her and just to give back to her. If you only knew the tender things she did for me. When I was in the hospital she would rub my head and face or my hands while I was trying to fall asleep. She sang hymns from my childhood to me. Oh, and as I'm thinking about it now, Harper was still with me then too - so Harper heard her grandma singing. I love that. She also woke up in the middle of the night when I got up to go to the bathroom and wrote down the times of my bowel movements. That meant she didn't get much sleep.

As the surgery gets closer I'm getting more anxious about whether they will find more while they're in there. But I know I can't control that. It's still so hard. I'm choking back the tears as I write right now. I want my mom to feel as loved as I did.

I have to be honest, I'm worrying a little about my own ability to stay healthy if I don't get much sleep, but you know what? My mom was sick when she took care of me and didn't even tell me. If she can do it, so can I!! I'm not going to worry about that right now. So what if I get a little tired? I'm actually a healthy person right now - believe it or not!! This trip may go a long way in proving to myself that I'm more sturdy than I think I am!! Besides, I'll take Airborne and echinacea and all that immunity boosting stuff this week. I'll be strong as an ox! No fear!!!

So that makes me think I probably should make sure I get plenty of sleep tonight and tomorrow night! That means I'm going to end my blog for today. Peace to you all (if there is an "all" reading this blog). And if you're reading this, please send positive thoughts, or prayers, or whatever you may believe in my mom's way this week. You just don't know how much that would mean to me.