April 3, 2009
I was reading jpouch.org today and read an entry by a fellow j-poucher that I could totally relate to. He found a medication that helped decrease his bowel movements so that he was only having one BM a night, two or three during the day at work, and two or three in the evening. I have the same type of schedule now. But it got me to thinking . . .
One year ago when I was in the hospital Dr. S wanted me to write down every time I had a bowel movement so we could track whether the treatments were helping decrease the number or not. I hated doing that. I hated writing it down every time. It was horrible. It made me focus on how frequent they were and it totally discouraged me. Nonetheless, I felt it was important to save one of the sheets that we used to track my BMs. I found it in my "Mementos" folder this evening. It just so happens that the dates we were tracking were exactly a year ago.
April 2nd:
12:15 a.m., 12:45 a.m., 1:25 a.m., 1:50 a.m., 2:40 a.m., 3:05 a.m., 3:30 a.m., 3:55 a.m., 4:15 a.m., 4:35 a.m., 4:45 a.m., 5:30 a.m., 6:45 a.m., 7:45 a.m., 8:25 a.m., 8:50 a.m., 9:30 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 10:40 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 11:35 a.m., 12:10 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 1:20 p.m., 1:50 p.m., 2:10 p.m., 2:40 p.m., 3:30 p.m., 4:10 p.m., 5:05 p.m., 5:30 p.m., 6:50 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8:05 p.m., 9:05 p.m., 10:40 p.m.
April 3rd:
midnight, 12:45 a.m., 2:45 a.m., 4:00 a.m., 4:05 a.m., 6:05 a.m., 7:00 a.m., 7:55 a.m., 9:00 a.m., 9:30 a.m., 10:15 a.m., 10:45 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 1:00 p.m., 1:15 p.m., 2:30 p.m., 3:30 p.m., 4:08 p.m., 5:45 p.m., 6:40 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 8:30 p.m., 9:20 p.m., 10:15 p.m., 11:40 p.m.
It goes on and on (as did I). I had painful cramps each time I went. There was always blood in my stool too, and really it was basically water that was coming through me. Which is why I had to have five blood transfusions and two plasma transfusions while I was hospitalized. When I say that I felt like my only purpose in this world was to have bowel movements; that was all I had the energy for, I'm not exaggerating. This is also why I just couldn't have people visit me. I had nothing in me then. Man, I look back and I can't believe I survived that. I can't believe it.
Today, I am more than my bowel movements. I am a whole person. I work, I socialize, I play. And wow, I'm one tough cookie!! It still surprises me that I had it in me to survive that. But I did, and here I am!!
Abby, that's just un-be-lievable. SOOOooo glad you made it through... I can only imagine.
ReplyDeleteAbby,
ReplyDeleteMy situation started last year April 22 and the aggressivity of the illness I had and journey is quite similar to yours. I remember the feeling like you that the only remaining life in me back then was used to poop and I refused all visitors other than family(I was worried how they would feel seeing me looking like I was dying and jumping with urgency to poop in the commode next to my bed)....awful days; I can't see how it can get worst than that. It is unbelievable that we survived that and we can remember how close we came to death. It has changed us foreover and we have a second chance to make the most joy in every moment we have. These new healthy moments are gifts like no other. The very simplest things are the most pleasurable. Of course, pain in still not an easy thing, actually it seems that tolerance dimishes with time like there is some cumulative effect but it always passes and that's what we must remember. Distractions help soothe the pain. It noticed it's best not to resist it but accept. I read you religiously every day and I feel I have a real friend in you. Thanks for this blog! Marianne
Marianne,
ReplyDeleteI got goosebumps when I read your comment. It means so much to know there is someone else who understands and can relate - more than words. I also got chills because April 22nd was the day I gave still-birth to Harper. It seems there is some connection that we have, huh? Peace to you friend, Abby
Abby,
ReplyDeleteYes that is quite a coincidence...when I read your experience and emotions, I feel like I'm reading my own story, like mirror souls and lives. Although I did not lose a baby and I can feel how that must have been so much to bear altogether; I admire your courage as you are now strong and have faced what happened in a most positive way. And while I did not have this loss, the effect of the few months of UC on my health nearly killing me, the long recovery from the surgeries and potential effects on fertility, I've gone through a little mourning myself because it is possible now that I may never have the precious baby I so hoped to have. It is also that I am 37 and of course I have years left but still not many and I've got to rebuild my health so baby may never be. This is something I am trying to accept. I still have takedown to go in about 2 months and I'll be running to the operating room as I just cannot wait to be done with this bad little stoma and like you have not really accepted it as I know it's temporary. We did not need to accept it because it was not our solution. Our solution is the Jpouch and that is what we have decided to regain our health so it doesn't make us vain or unenligthened to have seen the ileostomy as a an intermediary step. If circumstances were different, then it would be something else. Did you read the book "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle (also The Power of Now)...it came to me just when I needed it...in a moment of great transition. Abby I love you from afar (from Montreal Canada), Marianne
Oh Marianne,
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for you to have your takedown surgery! I would love to e-mail you. Would you be able to give me your e-mail address (I wouldn't post it on my blog!)? Much love to you too new friend, Abby