Shift in thinking

April 5, 2009

Today is the last lull before the busy-ness of the week ensues. It's going to be a busy week too. Tomorrow after work I hope to finish our taxes (I don't usually put them off this long - and they're almost done) and begin packing for my trip to Wisconsin for my mom's surgery. Tuesday I'll finish packing and all the last minute details involved with going on a trip. I leave on Wednesday right from work to the airport. I'll arrive in Minneapolis around midnight on Wednesday. My sister will pick me up from the airport. She and I will catch a few hours of sleep and then head to Eau Claire, WI early Thursday morning in order to get to my mom's before 6 a.m., which is when she's scheduled to go in for surgery.

I'm already picturing the early morning drive from Minneapolis to Eau Claire with my sister. I know we'll get coffee and we'll talk non-stop the whole drive over. It'll be that kind of talking that you do when the sun hasn't yet risen and there are so many unknowns that lay ahead - a mix of tiredness and adrenaline. My brother will be there with my mom on Wednesday night. I'm glad she'll have someone with her. I remember the nights before my surgeries. They were anxious for sure.

The night before my colectomy I actually don't remember that much. I know my dad and Jeremy were there. I really think I was still in shock over delivering Harper. And really, I had sort of prepared emotionally for surgery a couple of times before that only to have the surgery be postponed. I was definitely resigned and almost relieved that there was going to be an end to my pain going into that surgery. I'll never forget Dr. V making sure he was present in the surgery room as they put me under because he knew I would be scared and that I didn't know anyone else there. "I want you to have a familiar face to see as you go under." He's such a kind man.

The night before my j-pouch surgery was almost comical looking back on it now. Jeremy, my dad, and Jeremy's mom and dad were here at the house with us. I had to drink the "sparkling laxative" drink which made me sick. I woke up in the middle of the night nauseous. I had the dry heaves and felt like I was going to pass out. I laid on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, shaking. Jeremy called my dad into the bathroom, worried that we were going to have to go into the ER (that was our response to everything those days). My dad said I was going to be okay, the same thing happened to him when he did surgery prep stuff. Jeremy's mom came into the room and they all helped me crawl into bed. Jeremy's mom rubbed my back until I fell asleep. I remember wanting that j-pouch surgery so bad - the entire week before the surgery I was terrified I was going to catch a cold or strep throat or something and have to have the surgery postponed. I stayed away from people (because of germs) and took benedryl every night to help me sleep and keep me mucous-free!

The third surgery I had was my ileostomy take-down. Going into the surgery I didn't know for sure if the take-down would work. I had to prepare myself mentally for coming to after surgery and still having an ileostomy. I tried not to be anxious; just to accept whatever was going to happen, but there was no kidding anyone that I was desperate to get rid of my ileostomy. When I came to after the surgery I kept feeling my side and asking, "It's gone? No more ileostomy?" The nurses and techs looked at me like they didn't quite understand the significance of it. I found myself wondering, were they just so used to dealing with people with ostomies that it was no big deal to them, or could they really not imagine how difficult life would be with an appliance attached to you and therefore how relieved you would be to get rid of it?

There was always a calm that came over me when I was being prepped for surgery. It was like it sunk in that I was completely out of control here and I could do nothing but trust, and so I did. I remember hearing a story once about how eagles teach their young to fly (whether this is true or not, I don't know for sure, but it's a beautiful example, so I chose to believe it).
Apparently the mother eagle will take the young eagle and fly up high with it on the mother's back. When they reach a certain height the mother eagle drops the baby and the baby struggles and flaps its wings and doesn't get it. Just before it hits the ground the mother rescues the baby and takes it up again and drops it. They do this until the baby reaches the point that it is too tired to flap its wings and struggle. It just opens its wings and then the wind takes it and it learns to soar. The eagle has to learn to let go before it can learn to fly. Maybe that's one of the things I'm supposed to learn through all of this.

I've noticed a change with both Jeremy and I since my health crisis. Before I got sick, I had been a vegetarian for three years. I didn't buy leather products either. I also was almost obsessed with recycling and not wanting to have things end up in the landfill. I read about ways to reduce, reuse and recycle all the time. I worried a lot about how we spent our money - what businesses we were supporting, were we buying locally, etc., etc. All of these things were issues that weighed heavy on me. I know this sounds horrible, but many of those things, I just don't care about any more. Jeremy and I have talked about this. He has noticed the same thing happen for him. Don't get me wrong, it's not like we are now all about trashing the planet or not living mindfully or whatever, but I think we have both experienced this profound sense of what is truly important. Oh, this isn't coming out right!! I think that before all this happened, there was this sense that we were looking for something that was important, and we were putting all our eggs in this basket of a certain lifestyle. There was a lot of judgment around that too - were we doing the "correct" thing or not?

I don't know how to explain it, but now I have this sense of peace about my life that I didn't have before. I guess it's that I know there is an even deeper meaning to my life. There is connecting with people, loving people, giving to them of my time and my love - those are the things that are important to me now. And yes, it's not like that is mutually exclusive of living "green" or whatnot, and it's not like I didn't know those things were important before. But I think for me there has been a shift in priorities in a very profound way. And maybe it's that I'm experiencing firsthand the importance of those things too. I'm a little embarrassed to write about this and I feel that I've done a horribly clumsy job of trying to express what I'm thinking. Maybe I'll write about this more at another time.