It's not all or nothing

April 12, 2009

It's been quite a weekend so far. All these emotions have been swirling around in me. I've been having some problems, just minor ones, health-wise. I've got some lower pelvic pain - which is where my j-pouch is inside me. That worries me. It makes me think maybe my pouch is inflamed which isn't good news. Maybe the Cipro isn't working so much anymore? Also, I'm straining now when I have bowel movements, and I think it's time for another dilation. I got really bummed out when that started happening. I started doing my "all or nothing" type of thinking. Here was my train of thought:

Oh no. I'm in pain again.
I need another dilation.
If I'm not doing well, we aren't ever going to be able to try to have a baby again.
What am I going to do with my life?
What do I have to live for?

So I called Jeremy and I started crying. I was exhausted emotionally. I wanted to be with him. "It's okay Abby. I didn't think for a minute that we were all done with this. You may need another dilation, and so we'll do the dilations when you need them. We've known that. The doctor said that that shouldn't change our plans for having a baby either." It reassured me. I had been telling myself I was all done with this illness stuff. Jeremy hadn't thought that for a minute. He was grateful for the time I've had that I've been feeling good, but didn't imagine that we were done with it.

Spending so much time in the hospital with my mom has really done a number on me emotionally too. There are memories everywhere I turn. Sara, Mike and I went to get some dinner at TGIFridays. On the way there I started crying thinking about the fact that Jeremy had spent twelve weeks in the last year doing what I had been doing for just a few days with my mom; sitting, waiting, worrying - and all in uncomfortable chairs and on very little sleep. I don't know how he did it. I'm touched by the love he has shown me.

Then at dinner I started talking to Sara and Mike about what a good parent Jason is. He plays with his kids all the time. I just don't think I'll be able to be that kind of parent. I started crying again because the thought (yes, I know it's a totally stupid thought, but I had it nonetheless) crossed my mind, "Maybe that's why we lost Harper, because I wouldn't be a good parent." I didn't believe the thought, and I told Sara and Mike that I had thought it. They told me how stupid it was to think that (not in those words - they were nicer about it), but still . . . when you lose a child, those kinds of thoughts pop into your mind sometimes. Then I thought about how much love I have for Harper and when I was focusing on that the fears about parenting melted away.

So here I am, Sunday morning, 10:00 a.m. Wisconsin time. Mom is finally napping after a morning of some serious nausea. Sara, Mike and I are all killing time with our personal computers. The doctor just came in and said that once she gets up and around and has had lunch, she could go home. That is wonderful news.