Passionate heart to heart

June 5, 2009


We had, hm, let's call it a passionate heart to heart between Jeremy and me this morning. If you've been reading my blog lately you have probably picked up on the fact that I'm full of ideas right now. Jeremy, as my life partner, has been getting barraged with those ideas as of late. On the days that he works long hours, I have been sending him e-mails (numerous) about me opening businesses, taking trips, enrolling in classes, etc., etc. (My brother laughed at me recently asking if I was a little manic.) I can write about it with humor right now, but this morning when we "talked," it was a little more intense of a conversation.


It started when I was on the phone with my sister-in-law picking her brain about what starting a business is like and throwing out all kinds of ideas of my own. Jeremy was overhearing the conversation. When I hung up, I noticed that his brow was furrowed. "What's going on? What's wrong?" I opened the flood gates.


Jeremy and I are in very different places right now with what we need and want from life. Understandably so. While we have been navigating the storm together, we are still two very different people who react differently to crisis and stress. And really, let's face it, Jeremy's experiences the past year and a half were as the main support and as caretaker of me. I'm the one who had the life and death experiences. Yes, we went through it together, but there is no way we could expect to be the same place emotionally processing everything.


While I am excited about really living life now, Jeremy is needing stability and calm. And this morning we needed to spend some time hashing out what we both need from each other. It was a clarifying conversation. This is where I'm at, this is what I need, this is what I need from you. And this is where he's at, this is what he needs, and this is what he needs from me. I broke down sobbing at one point. I was just overwhelmed with the intensity of everything we both have been through.

So anyway. I wanted to write about this because I think it's an important part of getting through tragedy as a couple. Tragedy changes you; both of you. This morning as we talked, I could hear the conversation going other ways: "I just don't want what you want anymore." I could see how couples get through a tragedy together, but then end up separating. But what went through my mind as we reached that fork in the road in our conversation was, "This man loves me so much. And I love him deeply." I've always wanted to be with Jeremy first, everything else second. That has never changed. And yes, we finally reached the point in our conversation, "We're okay then?" "Yeah, we're okay."


I guess I was just struck today by the fact that you can get through the actual tragedy, but that doesn't mean you still aren't affected by it. There's still so much to sort through. But really, that's the way marriage is anyway, right? It just seems more intense when you're exhausted.