For now . . .

June 9, 2009

Slow down Abby. I just need to slow down right now. My mind is spinning from all my thoughts. Tonight, I decided, is a no TV night. I just need a little silence.

I sat out in the hammock in the back yard for a little while this evening. And I thought. I thought about the Michael J. Fox book I've been listening to on CD lately, Always Looking Up. I just love it. And I will say that I am now a huge fan of MJF. But what I was thinking about this evening is the problem of pain. No one is without pain. Not a single soul in this world is without physical, mental, or emotional pain.

I was thinking about the fact that I don't have it all figured out yet. I don't have answers to "why?" I saw a hummingbird just over the fence in our neighbor's yard and I thought about Harper. I wondered whether her short little life was "meant" to happen that way? Was she only ever supposed to be 24 weeks along? Was that her purpose on this earth? I've had people tell me they believe her little (or should I say big?) spirit will come back to me in this life time. Then I started thinking, Do I believe that everything happens for a reason? No. I don't think I do. I think our world and all that happens in it is far too random for everything to be happening for a reason. Do I believe that we can make good come out of anything, thereby giving it a reason? Hm, maybe. Yeah. I think so. Is that what this is all about? Is it all about learning to make good things out of everything? Man, that seems just a little too optimistic to me.

I just don't get it. I don't know why we're here. I don't know why there is pain. I don't know how involved God (or a higher power, or whatever you want to call Her) is in our lives. I don't know what happens to our spirits when we die. I am starting to believe, however, that this earth has both heaven and hell on it. Don't you know people who are living in one or the other? Don't you know people who just seem to be living in hell on earth? And don't you know people who find peace and joy regardless? (Which to me is heaven.) I sure do. (Though I know fewer of the peaceful and joyful people than I do the hell on earth ones!)

I wish that there was a dogma or doctrine that I believed in that could answer these questions for me. But I feel like I need the questions to be answered, not by someone telling me the answers, but by me experiencing and believing them for myself. I have come to believe some powerful truths lately by following that formula. I think I'm going to stick with it.

But for the time being, my mind needs a rest. I think about these things all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean pretty much any time I'm not reading or listening to people talk. And I know this sounds flippant, but why does having the answers matter so much? I don't think it would change one thing about how I'm living my life on a day to day basis. (Although it might make me want to go back to my vegetarian lifestyle again - but I'll blog more on that another time.) So for now, I just want some rest.