From grrrrr . . . to gratitude

June 22, 2009

This morning I woke up and started my day with a cup of coffee and a side of guilt. There are these thoughts that will pop into my head from time to time; "You were willing to give up on Harper several times," and they cause me a little bit of emotional distress. It has become my custom then to go through the mental exercise of showing compassion on myself by having a friendly internal dialogue about all the situations and choices I made. Somewhere in there, "It's just not fair!" is yelled a time or two. Lately, I manage to make it through this mental obstacle course pretty quickly and without scrapping my emotional knees too much. And furthermore, I'm not beating myself up for going through this process either. Guilt is actually a normal part of the grieving process. And it's a part that I'm learning to navigate my way through pretty well I think.

But the negativity of the morning's thought world stuck with me after that too. It seemed that there were negative conversations, e-mails, whatever, all around me. I kept telling myself that I did not have to be a part of this yuck. And I didn't, and I don't. But how do you get yourself out? How do you stop noticing all the stuff that makes you go "grrrrr . . ?" It just becomes a cycle - you know what I mean? And why is it that that cycle is just so much easier to fall into on a Monday? Poor Mondays. They just have a rough spot to begin with, don't they?

So my friend Alicia stopped by to chat with me this afternoon and it was so helpful. We talked about how to get un-stuck emotionally on days like today. And I think the key is to turn toward gratitude. How can you help but feel good when you are intentionally noticing all the good things happening to you, around you, for you? You can't!! (At least I can't.)

And so, to help finish my day off strong, here is my gratitude list, specifically for and about today, but in no particular order:

*I am thankful that Django can make me laugh with the simple act of climbing into the tub after I've showered so he can lick the soapy water off the bottom of the tub. I'm even thankful for the big brown paw marks he left. They made me smile. (I would include a picture of the paw prints here, but I don't want you to see how dirty my tub is!! I am not my mother's daughter when it comes to that!)

*I am thankful for e-mail that makes it so easy to drop a note instantly to my mom and get a little momma-love in return from her.

*I am thankful for caffeine. I know, sounds pathetic, but it's true.

*I am thankful that I am strong enough to lift my arms above my head and wash my hair when I shower in the morning.

*I am thankful that I'm married.

*I'm thankful that I can be stupid and make people laugh.

*I'm thankful that my sister took the time to make a mix CD for me months ago that I'm still listening to and enjoying today.