Life's soundtrack

written on June 19, 2009 (Happy Juneteenth!)



I woke up very early this morning, not from desire, but due to biology I guess. I decided to go for a walk shortly after the sun came up (or tried to come up). The sky was kind of grumpy, getting ready for monsoons, but just not quite there yet. It was not a serious power walk. It was an I'm-drinking-my-coffee-from-my-all-too-cool-Fender-travel-coffee-cup-as-I- walk-briskly-and-listen-to-my-"Mellowdies"-CD-mix-I-made-in-2001 kind of walk. Anyway . . .



In the early morning hours when I decided to get out of bed because laying there awake was doing me no good (3:20 a.m.), I decided to hop on Facebook and kill some time. My nephew, Kellen, had tagged me in a picture taken in March of 2008 when he and my niece Ashley came to visit us. The photo was of Jeremy, Ashley and me as we walked to a spring training baseball game in the rain. I was pregnant and I was sick, but I did not yet know why I was sick nor how sick I was. The photo was taken one week before I ended up in the hospital.



My chest tightened when I saw the picture. "Oh, Harper was with us," was all I could think. You couldn't really tell from the picture that I was pregnant, but at that time I was around four months pregnant. So as I started out on my walk this morning, I was thinking of Harper. And then the song, She Was the One by Peter Holsapple started playing:



She was the one

how could I tell?

I took a guess

she did the rest



even before I started dreaming

I knew her well

she was the one



she was the one

the one I'd been waiting for

to open the floodgate doors

just to drown on the loving floor



but it was too much too soon

to shoot for the moon

when you're coming from the sun

she was the one



and she was the last to know

that I would suck in for the long haul

cause I know a good thing when I see one

lord, and she appeared to be one

she was the one



dark as in thunder

deep as in my sleep

smart like a whip

and shoots from the hip



a glance at the past and what it foretells

oh I knew her well

she was the one



she turned me up ten

time and again

and when she was done

go back to one



even before I started drinking

I knew her well

she was the one



and she was the last to know

that I would suck it in for the long haul

cause I know a good thing when i see one

lord and she appeared to me one

she was the one



she was the one

I should have known

cause when she left

she took all the fun

leaving me dreams

leaving me just one

oh i should have known

she was the one

she was the one



I walked down the street to the park that's about a half a mile from our house. I wasn't sad listening to the song. I was breathing deep the breath of God as I walked, smiling and satisfied. Every dog along the way cracked me up; the little chihuahuas that think they are so fierce barking and protecting their yards, not knowing I could drop kick them without breaking my pace; the two adolescent pink nosed pit bulls that didn't know yet they were supposed to scare me. They all made me laugh. (Apparently ignorance is bliss.)



I got to the park and looked down at my shoes. We bought my pink, slip-on, New Balance shoes when I was home healing from my second surgery. Jeremy would drive us to the park because I couldn't yet walk the half mile to get there. We would walk short little jaunts from bench to bench at the park. I would sit and get up enough strength to walk to the next bench. I remembered when I was finally able to walk a full loop on the path and Jeremy told me he was impressed. (There are two things in this life that will forever make me happy. One is making Jeremy laugh. The other is impressing him.) Then I flashed back even further to me at the same park, running loop after loop after loop as I trained for the Chicago marathon. The place, so close to home, holds memories. And I smiled. Satisfied. Breathing deeply.



Then Over the Rhine's Latter Days:



What a beautiful piece of heartache,

this has all turned out to be.

Lord knows we've learned the hard way,

all about healthy apathy.



And I use these words pretty loosely.

There's so much more to life than words.

There is a me you would not recognize there.

Call it the shadow of myself.



And if the music starts before I get there,

dance without me.

You dance so gracefully.

I really think I'll be okay.

They've taken their toll these latter days.



Nothing like sleeping on a bed of nails.

Nothing much here but our broken dreams.

Ah, but baby if all else fails,

nothing is ever quite what it seems.



And I'm dying inside to leave you

with more than just cliche.

There is a me you would not recognize there.

Call it the shadow of myself.

And if the music starts

before I get there.

Dance without me.

You dance so gracefully.



I really think I'll be okay.

They've taken their toll these latter days.

They've taken their toll these latter days.



Tell them it's real.

Tell them it's really real.

I just don't have much left to say.

They've taken their toll these latter days.



And I smiled again. Yes, I am full of smiles these days. I smiled because they have taken their toll, but I'm on the other side. I'm dancing now.



And then Shawn Colvin and Mary Chapin Carpenter, One Cool Remove:



One cool remove. One cool remove. And forever let me stay one cool remove away.

One cool remove from the things that hurt me, from the sea, the city.

I see it all in a passion play, one cool remove away.



Yeah, I'm one cool remove away now. One cool remove.