Nietzsche had it right

June 18, 2009

What is going on with me?! Seriously, the amount of joy I'm feeling these days is unbelievable. I have never, never experienced feelings like this before. I actually had to double check the symptoms for mania just to make sure there wasn't something happening to me biologically that I wasn't on top of. But no - I'm not clinically manic (at least to the extent that one is actually able to diagnose oneself - smile).

I went for a walk when I got home from work and took the mix CD my sister recently made for me. There's a song on there, More Time by needtobreathe. I put it on repeat and listened to the song my whole walk. I actually started sobbing at one point, from joy.

I promise you the world again
And everything within my hands
All the riches one could dream
They will come from me

Oh God, really? Are you blessing me with this goodness? Finally? All that pain. All the fear and the tears and the heartache and the, oh, the gut wrenching. My cup is overflowing with joy. Is this heaven? And it's all here. Right here in my heart. I get it now. I really do.

There is nothing to fear. NOTHING. I know. The very core of me knows. There is nothing to be afraid of Abby. Live fearless. The worst moments in this life - the worst that I could imagine, that I experienced, there was nothing but deep, deep peace in me. If death was coming, I was okay with that - I was at peace. If the rest of it, the rest of all the pain and yuck brings forth the joy that I'm feeling now, then what is there to be afraid of? What is there to fear if that's the bottom line, the worst that there could be? Nothing!

And this moment as I'm writing, tears are flowing. I'm shaking from the sobs, but they are the most welcomed tears and sobs I have ever experienced. I'm almost desperate to share this feeling with other people. Do you understand? Do you know? I can hardly contain my excitement.

Nietzsche had it right, that which does not kill us makes us stronger, but I would add it also makes us more joyful!