The gates of hell

June 3, 2009

As I was driving in to work this morning the "Hospital" sign caught my eye. "Yeah, that's probably the closest hospital to us," I thought, "but it's not the one I go to." And then I was back to April 29, 2008, the night we had to call the ambulance to come and get me. I had been home just five days after a month long hospitalization and delivered Harper just a few days before. The EMT asked where I wanted to go. I told him UMC. "They're really busy tonight mam. It'll be a long wait," he said. "I don't care. I just spent a month there. They know me." He said he understood and off we went, me strapped down to the gurney, afraid my bowels would let loose more blood on the ride there. Afraid I would lose consciousness again (which I did two or three more times after getting to the ER). Afraid I would die.

Wow, that was over a year ago now. Still the thoughts of it make my heart race and my fists clench. I thought about where I was a year ago today. I was back at home recovering from my colectomy, learning to cope with an ostomy bag. Those were such dark days. I could barely get off the couch. I broke down a couple times each day sobbing, telling Jeremy I just wanted to die, telling him if he was going to leave me I wouldn't blame him, and wouldn't he just do it now to get it over with?

But here I am now. I'm okay. I'm better than okay. I'm at peace. I feel alive. I'm living life. And I desperately want people who are in that dark place to know that you can get through it. And I wonder what will happen in my future that will cause me to look back on this time in my life for inspiration? What darkness lies ahead that I will have to pull through and remind myself that I can indeed pull through it? I was listening to Tom Petty sing "I won't back down, no I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down." I almost giggled inside thinking about the fact that I did not back down. I wanted to. Yes I wanted to - plenty of times. But I didn't. I kept going. You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down.

I started thinking about all the people in my life who are struggling. We all have our own private hells to go through. Every single one of us. And every hell might be different, but they are all hell nonetheless. And we can help each other through it. We can inspire each other, comfort each other, and encourage each other, so long as we don't judge each other's hell. At that moment I got chills. Sometimes when I'm thinking about something that feels like truth to me, I get this visceral response. It's like my physical being is acknowledging the truth. This morning I felt that in thinking about the connections we have with each other in our humanity. I feel it all the time these days.