Window shopping

February 23, 2009

Today was a better day. I got a good night's sleep last night; only woke up once before my alarm went off. I really can't remember when I slept that much. The morning went well and I was cruising until later afternoon. So I'm going to focus on the good part of the day. It was really nice to have a good part of the day.

I was thinking about who I am today; how I see myself, who I want to be. I feel very lost right now in figuring that all out. I've been reading Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird lately. I read it in a college creative writing course and I come back to it from time to time when I'm feeling inspired about writing. (She's one of my favorite authors.) Anyway, she talks in the book about how writers need to focus on the things that people do and say that tell you who they are. Everything we chose to do or not to do is telling others about who we are. Things like what kind of car you drive, but not just that, do you have bumper stickers on your car? Do you have anything dangling from the rear view mirror. Things like what you're wearing, but not just that, how are you wearing your clothes? Are you wearing stilettos and almost falling over every time you turn a corner, or are you able to skip down the hallway in them?

So I was also thinking about myself. What am I saying about myself these days? What am I telling the world? I went on-line this evening and was doing some "window" shopping for clothes. Let me back up, on the elevator this morning I was going up with a woman who I assume was an attorney (I work in the Legal Services building). She was perfectly, perfectly, dressed from head to toe. Her hair was expertly styled, make-up impeccable, carrying a Coach purse (I can't believe I actually noticed the label on some one's purse). I'm sure her shiny shoes were expensive too. I think I was a little jealous. Yeah. I was. And it's funny because I've never been a name brand person or anything like that at all. I think what I was jealous of was that she seemed so confident of who she was; head to toe.

Me? I feel frumpy. Did I put a capital "F" on that? Because there should be one: Frum-py. I feel like I must not be seeing myself clearly right now because every time I put on my clothes I'm surprised that they don't fit me. Even my medium-sized shirts are baggy on me. I have to choke back my tears just writing about this. Granted, I have made some progress in putting on weight, but it's just not as quickly as I would want. So all day I walk around in these clothes that are baggy and I'm reminded by the swooshing of my pant legs that I'm not as healthy as I used to be.

On my drive home I was trying to think about just one outfit I have that I feel good in - that feels like ME. I couldn't think of one. I'm just not comfortable in my own skin (literally). So I think that any message I put out there for the world about who I am doesn't feel right. I'm changed and it's going to take some time to figure out who this new person is.