The life of a marriage

February 22, 2009

I've been trying to stay positive this weekend and think I've been pretty successful. I'm still not feeling well physically. I've been in quite a bit of pain. I keep hoping that if the Cipro isn't helping me that perhaps there will be some sort of placebo effect and I'll start feeling better anyway. I'm also really hoping that Dr. T has some answers on Wednesday about the biopsies she did on Friday.

I tried each day this weekend to get out for a little bit, mostly so I don't think of myself as being sick. I'm tired of that. While Jeremy and I were out running some errands I saw a woman who I used to work with. I didn't talk to her. The last time I saw her Jeremy and I were at the grocery store and I had just had my surgery. We had lost Harper just a couple of weeks earlier. I was wearing loose fitting clothes because of my ostomy bag. I think my stomach was probably swollen a little too. Anyway, she asked if we were expecting and I had to explain what had happened. It was one of the first firsts for me.

It feels like everywhere I go I'm haunted by memories. And each day that passes I'm reminded of what was happening on this day last year. I feel this never ending need to purge. I catch myself saying, "When I was in the hospital . . . " and I think, They don't want to hear about your stupid hospital experiences any more Abby.

Jeremy and I got into this heated debate over music and books on Friday on our way to the hospital for my biopsy. We both were pretty impassioned arguing our points to the other. It cracked me up how involved we were in this discussion. But it also relieved me. We can talk about other things. We can interact with each other about things other than doctor's appointments, medications, sadness. There are so many ways that a marriage is tested when you go through something like what Jeremy and I have been through. It's like I have to tell myself, we aren't just surviving here any more Abby, we have to actually live and focus on the life of our marriage too.

You know, I love being married. I have always loved it. I love the man I'm married to too. It's so interesting to me to see the life of a marriage and how it plays out and how it grows and changes. I have to remind myself to be mindful of our marriage right now. It needs nurturing now probably more than ever. I'm grateful for those break-through moments when a fresh breath is breathed into our marriage, like during our "argument" the other day.