Forward thinking

February 11, 2009

Another pretty good day under my belt. I didn't have to take any pain meds until this evening. Unbelievable. I'm starting to feel alive again. When I say that, it's not just some cliche statement. There are actual, notable differences in how my mind is working these days. Besides not thinking about suicide on a daily basis (which I talked about already the other day), there are things that I am thinking about that I haven't thought about in a long time. I love it. It feels like walking into your home after a long vacation where your transmission died on Highway 94 and there weren't any shoulders to pull over on so you had to keep the speed at a steady pace so as not to switch gears and kill the engine until you got to a safe exit and instead of spending your vacation money on Six Flags, you ended up spending it on, yes, a new transmission. True story.

Today I found myself thinking about the following things that told me I was coming alive again:
1) I wonder if I should go back to school for writing - or maybe just audit a course of two?
2) I wonder if Jeremy and I should "adopt" an adult who has Down Syndrome whose parents are elderly and they need to know someone is going to care for their child. (No specific person in mind - just a thought.)
3) It would be nice to go for a hike in the mountains.
4) I already have a ticket to meet my sister in Vegas in May! What will I wear?

I guess just thinking about the future in and of itself is a major coup for me. A future with something in it other than surgery anyway.

Something that's a little more of a downer hit me today too. I know when you read this you're going to say, "Duh Abby!" but hear me out. I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So here's the clinical social worker in me - everyone in our society thinks that if you go through something "traumatic" you end up with PTSD, but that's not true. There are some very specific symptoms that you have to have to be diagnosed with PTSD. One is that it has to have been at least six months since the incident occurred, otherwise you could be diagnosed with Acute Stress Disorder, but I digress. So, yes, it's been six months . . . You or a loved one has to have come close to death, died, or been fearful of death because of the incident (this is just by memory okay - so don't pull out your DSM-IV and check to see if I'm completely accurate here okay?). Check. Then you have to have a few symptoms (I don't remember how many exactly but there is an exact number) like flashbacks, avoidance of things associated with the trauma, oh, now I'm going to go get my DSM-IV because I'm curious what I'm forgetting here.

Here if you're curious: http://www.mental-health-today.com/ptsd/dsm.htm. I won't bore you (if I haven't already)!

Okay, so anyway, I was on my way to work this morning and I think I had a flashback. I got to thinking about how I was always woken up early, like early-early (5:30 a.m. sometimes) when I was in the hospital by doctors just entering my room and saying my name. It was like I was watching it all play out before me and my heart started beating fast, my chest started pounding. It was pretty intense. I felt all these feelings of helplessness and I wanted to scream till I lost my voice, "Just let me sleep!" And then I thought about how I get uncomfortable watching television shows that are located in hospitals. When I first got home from the hospital I would change the channel. I just couldn't watch. That kind of stuff happens to me quite a bit actually. Hmmm . . . good thing I'm starting counseling on Friday, huh? That'll give us something to talk about.

Anyway, it's good to know why these things are happening. Now I can start to fix it.