Love's Recovery

February 10, 2009

Last night Jeremy set our coffee pot for 6:00 a.m. so I woke up to the smell of brewing coffee this morning. I started my day bundled up in my way-too-long red scarf that I crocheted a few years back. My coffee kept my hands warm and I figured I wouldn't feel too bad for myself with the cold front that hit us smack dab in the face if all it took to warm me up was a cup of coffee.

On my drive in to work the clouds were hanging low over the Catalinas. I could see snow sneaking down closer and closer to the valley. It was so beautiful. For those of you who have never been to Tucson, the city is surrounded by mountains on every side. I thought about the Tucson Mountains to the west and how Jeremy and I love to hike there. We stop to marvel and play at the petroglyphs each time on our way up to Wasson Peak. It was actually on that very hike just over four years ago that I was on such a high from making it to the top for the first time that I committed to run the Chicago Marathon with Jason the next year (he was there hiking with Jeremy and me).

The rest of my day went so well too. This is the third day in a row where my pain has felt manageable and I've not had thoughts of suicide raging through my head like a hungover drunk. I am so relieved I could cry. I kept reminding myself all day long, "This doesn't mean you're all better Abby." But still, thoughts of fun things for my future started popping up in my mind. Jeremy and I could actually go on a vacation together - and enjoy our time! In September of 2007 we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and took a road trip to San Diego for a long weekend. We stayed at a historic hotel in Little Italy and ate good food. It was one of the best trips I've been on. We had so much fun together. We laughed and played like children in the ocean. Oh God, that we could do that again! (What is this strange creature? Could it be? Is this hope?)

On my way home from work I was thinking about Jeremy. He made dinner for me last night and it was ready for me when I got home. As I sat in my study and wrote after dinner he poked his head in and asked if he could get me some water or dessert or anything before he took off for his evening gig. He was taking care of me. It was so sweet. I thought about how much I love him. I feel so bonded to this man. It seems so unfair to spend your life growing in love with another person, only to end up leaving each other in your old age. Ah, but I don't need to crawl into that dark corner right now.

Suffice it to say, I was feeling a lot of love for the man God blessed me with. I thought about all the life decisions we will have to face together in our future and how confident I am that we will survive the butting of heads caused by differences of opinions. We've been through so much. And today, I feel confident and secure in our love. Like the Indigo Girls' song, Love's Recovery. I love that song.

LOVE'S RECOVERY

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek

To the blows of insecurity

Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected

Lay dying in the strength of its impurity

Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together

They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather

And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast

To the slim chance of love's recovery

There I am in younger days, star gazing,

Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be

Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection

My compass, faith in love's perfection

I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen

Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together

Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather

And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast

To the slim chance of love's recovery.

Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream

I search for our absolute distinction

Not content to bow and bent

To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures

Eating us away, eating us away

Eating us away to our extinction

Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me

I'd still have two of the same to live

But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal

To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give

Tell all the friends who think they're so together

That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather

Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery