So be it

May 17, 2009

I have done my very best to be present in each moment this weekend. Any time I found myself starting to get anxious about the future, I reminded myself of where I was and what I was doing in that moment.

This morning I had a lot of energy (strange since I was awake from 3-5 a.m.). It felt so good. I put on my tank top and shorts and went to work raking and pruning the yard. I could feel my heart beating, pumping blood through me. I worked hard. I felt a little of that runner's high I used to get after a good run. God it felt good! I was so thankful. I felt like I couldn't stop smiling. I honestly don't remember when the last time was I did yard work. It's one of those things that became unimportant. When you have little energy, you quickly learn how to discern what you want to expend it on, and yard work and house work were not high on my list.

I think that's an amazing thing that's happened to me through my whole health ordeal; I am no longer as stressed out about meeting these super high standards I've had for myself. It is the most freeing feeling in the world. I have this deep down knowledge in the very fibers of my being about what's really important and what really matters, and the rest I just don't care about any more. I want to be present in my life. I want to enjoy each moment for what it is.

You know one major thing that contributed to me getting to this point? It's all the love that I received from people when I was in the hospital. People loved me, not for what I was doing or for some goal that I had achieved. Nope. People were showing me love just because. God knows it wasn't because I was beautiful or smart or funny - because as I lay in that hospital bed all beat up and tired, I was none of those things. (Okay, maybe I was a little funny when I did my arm lifts to try to get the fluid to leave my hands - I sang the Rocky theme song and punched my big fat swollen hands in the air like a boxer. I thought I was funny anyway. I'm sure when my family members laughed they were laughing at the fact that I was laughing at myself.) And yet the love poured in. That is a gift. It changed my life.

So I'll take what goodness I can. There are not a lot of things that I believe and know to be true about God for myself. But one thing I do believe, is that every good thing comes from God. If this is where my faith starts, then so be it.