I don't need more

May 11, 2009

My mind has been playing a little hop-scotch on me today, trying to land on just the right thing, that one thing that is going to make me happy. I'm playing out all kinds of scenarios in my mind. But I just can't steady my balance on any one thing. And then of course I just get frustrated with every little thing I'm doing that is NOT the thing that I want to be doing that would make me happy.

And as I'm sitting here in the silence of my home, Django sleeping on the floor, the sound of the fan whooshing overhead, one lonely light on in the room, all I can think of is that this should be enough. This is my life, what is happening to me in this very minute. I don't need more. I don't need more.

The quiet does things to me. It slows me down inside, mellows me. I yearn for it sometimes. I really do. This is what I want, more than anything, this peace that I'm feeling right now in the stillness of my home. I'm lucky. Right now, I have what I want.

I had a dream last night. Some old friends and I were walking through a neighborhood trying to find my apartment. We all started singing Amazing Grace together, loudly, almost as if we were drunk, but we weren't. I was weeping as I sang. And then we got to the verse, "When we've been there ten thousand years," and I started making up my own lyrics about how I would have held my daughter in my arms. I was singing it at the top of my lungs, freed by singing so loudly, and I realized that one of my friends was also changing the lyrics to sing about his child that he had lost. I hadn't known that he had lost a child, and I looked over at him, but we all just kept on singing. And then I woke up.

We are none of us alone in our pain. We might think we are, but we aren't. Why don't we reach out to each other more? Why don't we share more of the pain that we're experiencing so others can comfort us? Why do we try to do this alone? There's just so much goodness to be given and to receive. It's out there. I got cards and flowers and phone calls and e-mails from so many people yesterday; people who thought about me and my loss during their time of joy and celebration. There are some good souls out there. I'm so very grateful.

I don't need more.