Going out on a limb

May 19, 2009

I have had moments the last couple of days where I've caught myself thinking, "I'm all better!" I've been feeling so good. I am enjoying my life right now. I don't know what's happened to me, but I feel a strong desire to live fully in each moment. I know I've been talking about that a lot lately, but it's just so true. I can't help but keep saying it. You know what the funny thing is? It's that I have heard that saying before, "be present in the moment," and thought I knew what it meant, but I didn't. I tried being "present" in yoga classes. I thought I understood what it meant. Isn't it strange how you can understand something but not really get it till you've experienced it?

What is this awakening that I'm experiencing? How did I live my life before? I just don't get it. And do other people understand what this is all about? How come no one told me before? I felt that way about being pregnant too. How come no one told me how amazing pregnancy was? Was I just not listening? I'm sure I was, but there are some things that you just can't know the truth of until you experience them.

I feel that way about my "faith" now too. I was reading the blog of a friend of mine today (www.jachristiansen.blogspot.com) and it totally took me back to my experiences when I was in the hospital. I'm sure I am not as articulate as he is, but I'll at least try to describe the experience to you - I've tried before. (Perhaps practice makes perfect?)

There was this peace that settled deep in my soul when I was in the hospital. Yes, my body was in excruciating pain. My mind was in anguish. But my soul, my soul was at peace. There was a movement forward, a fight, a resolve, that took over inside me. Just thinking about it right now, my heart is racing and my eyes are welling up with tears. I feel so tenderly towards the memory of myself in that situation. Does that seem strange? (Well I feel it nonetheless.) I kept pushing forward when there was no push left inside me. That to me, was God in me. God, the life-force.

At the same time, there was death in me, literally. My daughter died inside me. But there was peace like I have never known when that happened. Sorrow, yes, but still peace. Just thinking about it now comforts me. What is peace anyway? And where does it come from? Is it the lack of fear or anxiety? Is it acceptance? For me it was a feeling that even if the worst happened, I would be okay. But where did that feeling come from? Is peace a mental reaction to some cognitive process? Is it an emotional response to some sort of stimuli? Is it some metaphysical experience? I guess that's one I'm going to have to think about a while, and believe me I will be thinking about it.

Every day when I was in the hospital I was told people were thinking of me, meditating for me, praying for me, sending positive energy my way. Those feelings, thoughts, prayers, whatever you want to call them; they fed the life-force in me. They kept me going. They were love. Love is the most important thing in the world. God is love. God and love to me are the same thing, not just one thing describing an aspect of another, but equal, exactly the same. Every time I experienced love from others, I was experiencing God. So we have the power within us to share God with others, just by loving them! (In fact I believe that is the main purpose/power of God - that's what he is - love.)

These are the things that I hold true. These beliefs that I have faith in now may or may not align with all the other tenants of religion that I used to hold on to and look to for direction. Quite honestly, the rest doesn't matter to me any more. This is what I have experienced to be true. I'm sure as I continue on in my journey in life I will have more experiences that will enlighten me too. I by no means believe I'm done learning. But I feel so freed inside. To believe something because of experience and not because it was taught, that makes it real. You might say that means I have no faith then if I'm only believing in things because I've experienced them. Right now, where I'm at in my journey, I believe that's why we're here. To learn through our lives. Perhaps learning about faith is my next step, who knows? But for now I'm at peace with where I am.

You know, as I go back and read through this blog, I feel like I'm sounding all preachy. And I know where that tenor in my "voice" is coming from. I'm feeling defensive. I'm scared that all the born again Christians in my life are going to take offense at what I'm writing or judge me and think I'm going to hell for what I believe (or don't believe) and I'm already completing my arguments in my mind (and my blog) about why I believe what I believe. I wish I didn't have this hang up. I'm sorry. (Am I playing out a self-fulfilling prophecy here or what?) What I really wanted to share in this blog was something beautiful that I experienced. But I'm afraid my own hang-ups with religion have gotten in the way and messed it up. I really am sorry.

What I want to say is that while I might write about all my pain and suffering in this blog, I am really deeply grateful for every last bit of it because it has allowed me to experience God in a way I never had before. And that has changed my life.

(If this blog doesn't make a lot of sense to you, just ignore it. I think there's an internal dialogue going on in me that you are only getting to hear half of. I'm too tired now to sort it all out anyway. I'm tempted to just erase the whole thing, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and leave it. Anyway.)