May 27, 2009
Sometimes I find myself in this weird head space when it comes to deciding whether to try to get pregnant again. Before Jeremy and I decided to try last time, we went back and forth on the issue for a long time. We were pretty ambivalent for a good two to three years. And now, I'm finding myself in that space again. I think about my future and my career and all the things I could devote my energy to, and I think that if I had a baby, I wouldn't have the energy to do those things. I know it sounds shallow, but I think about the lifestyle we live too, and all the sacrifices that we would have to make. Not that I would be anything but happy to make those sacrifices, but sometimes I enjoy my lifestyle and I think, "Boy, I would miss this." I think about the freedom that we have now to do things. And I guess I'm at this point right now too where I'm really wanting to enjoy my life. I've never really felt this way before. So maybe for now, being child-free is an okay, or even good thing.
But then when I get to that place emotionally, I start to feel guilty. How can I go from grieving the loss of Harper to being happy that I'm without a child now? I get this pit in my stomach just thinking about it. What does that say about me? I feel like it says I'm a horrible person. I know that's faulty thinking, but it's still hard to walk myself through these thought processes. Do I need to go my whole life being unhappy where I'm at to show that I loved my daughter? The movie In America is one of my favorite movies. I think it does a beautiful job showing what couples go through in healing from the loss of a child. Anyway, just some thoughts I had been having today.
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You're not a horrible person. Even if you decide that you don't want a child/children in the future, it doesn't mean that you didn't want or love Harper. You are just playing the cards that you've been dealt, only now with a different perspective after all that you have been through.
ReplyDeleteI have a child, almost 2½ years old (and a j-pouch, much older). The thing I miss most about my former life is quiet Sunday mornings reading the newspaper and spending all day working the New York Times crossword puzzle. I'm hoping that once he gets a little older (or maybe a lot older) he'll want to work the puzzle with me. :-)
i've been having similar thoughts the past couple months, abby; i understand this seemingly conflicting desire of parenting a child and living fully in ways that simply aren't feasible as a parent. personally, i understand this within myself as a way of morphing with my circumstances in a way that produces gratitude. i want to live graciously and fully. my life circumstances have changed and at least for the time being, i'm not going to be a mother. i don't want to circumvent the grieving that this merits, but i also don't want to miss what i do have before me by not moving from this place.
ReplyDeletei appreciate your honest articulation of this abby + believe it merely attests to your honorable ability to fully live where you are. not everyone can claim that. i can't help but think life is too short not too.
i realize i'm a good month + a half behind on your entries, but i'm getting there. :)
xo
j.