Pete and repeat were in a boat . . .

May 28, 2009

So I have gone three weeks without needing a dilation. I am so happy about that. And as the time draws nearer to have my dilation done tomorrow, I'm getting anxious. I don't know why. I guess it's because I have to think about my situation. The last few weeks I've been able to ignore it; convince myself that I'm not going to need another surgery. Still, that's what I believe.

It's not that things have been horrible the past few weeks and that's why I need the dilation either. Things have actually been great. But Jeremy and I have decided to act preemptively and to see if that helps me maintain longer periods of time without having problems. So far, I think that's worked. So I'm in this strange place of making myself do something that is not fun at all when I don't necessarily need to in hopes that that will fix the problem in the long run. Does that make sense? I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I get a little scared each time I have the procedure done. All this anxiety builds up in me and then tears start rolling out of my eyes as I lay on the procedure table. It doesn't even feel like I'm really crying. It's just my body responding to the situation. It's strange. And so this ignoring, or denial, or whatever you want to call it is how I'm getting through it. Maybe it's not healthy, I don't know. But it's what's working for me right now.

But I've said all this before, haven't I?

After I posted this blog, I started thinking about my Uncle John who is going through some really serious health problems right now. Suddenly I felt like my challenges are so small. I don't need to wallow in the discomfort of these stupid dilations. I am enjoying my life right now. I am able to enjoy my life right now. What a gift.