Is it okay if I talk to myself?

May 5, 2009

All of a sudden on my drive in to work I felt like someone socked me hard in the chest, emotionally speaking. I started crying. I thought about the fact that I was in the hospital this past weekend and I got really angry. I thought, Oh Abby, you know this is going to happen to you now when you get dehydrated. It doesn't have to be some major crisis. But in my psyche, it was. Saturday night sleeping at home in my bed I dreamt that I was in the hospital, wanting to know what I needed to do to get discharged home. I woke up having to tell myself I was already home.

This new fact of life for me (getting dehydrated easily and ending up in the hospital unable to fight off whatever virus is going around) was one that I was trying to deny. My family called me while I was in the hospital, "Are you okay being there Abby?" "Oh yeah. It's no big deal you know. It's just gonna have to be a part of life that I accept." I didn't want to talk about it. But I'm so angry about it. I'm angry that I had to call in sick to work. I'm angry that I didn't get to go to the folk festival and hear Jeremy play. I'm angry that I didn't get to go to yoga with my friend.

I'm just so frustrated. But what really made me cry was thinking, we are never going to be at a point where we can handle having a baby. It's just too much. I just can't imagine parenting right now. I felt so hopeless. Then I thought, without a baby, what's the point? My life feels so empty. I feel totally at the mercy of my body. Totally.

I can see. I can step outside myself and see what's going on with my thoughts. I can do the self-talk, but it gets sooooooo tiring. I get tired of telling myself the same thing over and over again. It's like, when am I gonna get this already?

So here's my self-talk: You're tired and not feeling 100% today Abby. You always feel down emotionally when you're under the weather. Just because you may not be ready to have a baby right now doesn't mean it will never happen. And even if you aren't able to have a baby, you have a wonderful life full of love. That doesn't have to end.

I came home a little early from work. I crawled into bed with my book and read for a short time and then drifted off to sleep. It felt so good. There are a few nagging things that are bothering me: 1) I need another dilation which is disappointing to me, but at least I already have an appointment scheduled for Friday; 2) Because I need another dilation I've been doing a lot of straining, which comes with some lovely side effects that are causing me quite a bit of pain right now; 3) The spot where my IV was and my vein blew still hurts, is red and a little puffy and not getting better. Really, it bothers me the most because the pain reminds me that I was just in the hospital and I think about it every time my arm throbs; and 4) I'm still having the pelvic pain and am pretty frustrated that all the doctors have been so dismissive about it. I need to be more firm about getting some answers, even if it's someone explaining to me why it's not a big deal.

(On a funny side note: I got this beautiful watch for my birthday - right? It was more expensive than any watch I've ever owned before. Next to my wedding ring, it's the most expensive piece of jewelry I have (I think). My whole family went in on it with Jeremy. So did I mention that a few weeks ago I ran into a low-hanging tree branch while I was checking the time on my watch? I got a little bump on the top of my head and for about a week it hurt just to make facial expressions. So today I realized I can't wear my lovely watch because of my sore arm where my IV was. I think it's kind of funny. There's a price for vanity, huh? Ha! That just hit me and I thought you might get a kick out of it too!)