March 2, 2010
Is it okay for me to be happy? I know that's a strange question to ask, but it's been rolling around in my head a lot lately. Of course Abby. Duh. Of course it's okay to be happy. Then why am I having such a hard time allowing it to be?
How can you be happy without your daughter? You must not have loved her. You must not have wanted her. How can you be at peace now? Prove it. Prove that you wanted her. Have a baby, adopt a baby. Show everyone that you will do everything in your power to have a child. Because unless that's the case, you must not have really wanted her. But I did! I did do everything in my power for Harper. I almost lost my life in the process. But you and I both know you had reached a point where you didn't care anymore. You didn't want to think about her. In fact, you resented her. You only cared about yourself. You wanted to be out of pain and you were willing to risk her life for your own. What kind of mother is that? Yes, but remember too that even after I reached that point, when they came to me and said if I could hold on for another seven to ten day cycle of treatment I might be able to save her. And what did I say? I said I would hold on! I said I would hold on knowing the pain I would be in. Knowing I had no more life in me and that I would have to rely on Jeremy and my family to pull me through each day, but I was willing to continue the fight. But does that really matter? There was a point where you were willing to give her up for yourself. It will haunt me. That moment will haunt me.
God was gracious with me that things turned out the way they did. I truly believe that. There is no longer black and white in my life. I can only ever do my best to sort through the gray and hope and pray that God will be gracious with me in the end. I pray he's more gracious with me than I am with myself.
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Oh to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. I think you're onto something...He is much more gracious with us than we often are with ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThe multi-faceted truth of all that you've been through is immense to process through. As you face little bits at a time, may you be able accept grace and forgiveness and walk in freedom! Abby, you are not evil because you got to a point emotionally where you wanted to give up and couldn't see past even what that would mean for Harper. I think of any of us would have struggled with the same feelings.
There is no doubt you loved your daughter with a mother's love. You are a true mother. No convincing needed!
Love you.
Oh to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. I think you're onto something...He is much more gracious with us than we often are with ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThe multi-faceted truth of all that you've been through is immense to process through. As you face little bits at a time, may you be able accept grace and forgiveness and walk in freedom! Abby, you are not evil because you got to a point emotionally where you wanted to give up and couldn't see past even what that would mean for Harper. I think of any of us would have struggled with the same feelings.
There is no doubt you loved your daughter with a mother's love. You are a true mother. No convincing needed!
Love you.