Cancelled Ticket

March 11, 2010

Just a small memory, following me around like a lost puppy dog these days. I think it's so vivid in my mind because it was a moment of acknowledgement.

I was sitting up in my hospital bed, recovering from one of my daily meltdowns, piles of used tissue beside me on my bedside table. No sooner had I hung up the phone with my mom, telling her I didn't think Harper was going to make it, that I was worried I was going to have to make a tough decision about her, and the phone rang again. It was my sister in her most chipper voice. "I think we need to start talking about your baby shower!" She was trying to cheer me up. She was trying to give me hope. I knew that. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. And I broke down sobbing telling her that. That's when I knew. No. I hadn't lost Harper yet, but the reality of the situation was smacking me in the face. Harper wasn't going to make it.

Ah yes, the airline ticket to the baby shower . . . That was one of those concrete, post-death issues that had to be dealt with. I had already purchased my airline ticket to the baby shower at my sister's. And after I lost Harper, I had to cancel it. Instead the ticket was used to go be with my mom on the weekend that would have been Harper's due date. A weekend of tears and pain, and a weekend of healing.