It is what it is

March 21, 2010

It is what it is. I've been hearing people say that a lot lately. I think it's become one of those generational catch phrases, although grammatically speaking I realize it's a sentence, not a phrase (smile).

Last night we were driving home from a party, Jeremy was playing a new Freedy Johnston song for me, and my mind started drifting. With the dark skies engulfing me, no visual distractions but the stars, it was easy to go to contemplative places.

I always think about her on our way home from parties and get togethers. I didn't realize she was so much a part of those daydreams in my mind, but she was. I know I thought about the fact that we would probably need a new car, a four door instead of two door, once she was born. I guess I must have visualized getting her in and out and buckling her in more times than I realized. And so it was that I began thinking about her last night. The should have been thoughts. Some of my friends who were pregnant at the same time and shortly after me were at the party. They were buckling their little ones into their car seats on their way home from the party. I had held one of them just an hour earlier, kissed his chubby baby cheeks, smelled his hair as he snuggled his head into my neck, swaying back and forth instinctively as I held him. I didn't turn to look at my empty back seat on the way home. I knew it was empty.

"Did you read my blog about my dream the other night?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I did," he said as he reached over and put his hand on my knee.

"I wanted to see her in my dream. I was excited because I thought I was going to get to see her. Did I say her name out loud?" I asked. The tears welled up in my eyes, one blink away from rolling down my cheek. "I thought I was talking in my sleep."

I didn't cry. I start to think, my life could be different, and then I stop myself. Of course my life could be different. It could be different in many ways. I could be dead. I could have gotten accepted into that school in South Africa and never have ended up marrying Jeremy. I could have gone to law school and be in some totally different place in my life. Things happen. Good things happen, bad things happen. It's the randomness of life. I don't believe things happen for a reason. Telling me that goes nowhere with me. They don't happen for a reason - we choose to make good or bad from the things that happen. We choose. I truly believe that. I'm doing my best to choose to let my experiences shape me into a better person, with a deeper understanding of comfort, love, goodness, gratitude, grace, and forgiveness. And it takes work. It takes serious work to do that. This blog has helped me do that. It's helped me challenge the choices I'm making in how I view my world.

And so now, whenever I start with the my life could be different thoughts, I switch it up to, Oh Abby, you know, it is what it is. It is what it is. I think they call that acceptance, don't they?