One day at a time Abby

September 7, 2009

Saturday was our 12th wedding anniversary. All week long I had been looking forward to spending an entire weekend with Jeremy, celebrating our 12 years together. Friday after work he met me at Cafe Poca Cosa for dinner. It's one of our favorite places in town. It was so nice to enjoy dinner and conversation with my sweetheart.

I don't know what happened to me on Saturday. My emotions were all over the place. I just felt so unsettled. I feel this pressure to figure everything out. And by everything, I mean, well, everything. At one point in the day I broke down crying. "I feel like I have to figure it all out Jeremy."

"Figure what out?" he asked, a little confused but wanting to help. I tried to explain. Every moment of every day that is not occupied with interacting or communicating with other people is occupied with thoughts about my future, having a family, what the purpose of my life is, what happens when we die, how involved God is in my life, etc., etc. And I feel pressure to understand it all and to find the answers.

He read to me. He read me an excerpt from an American Splendor compilation that spoke to exactly what I was feeling. And it put me at ease.

Sunday was a better day than Saturday. We went out to breakfast at Hotel Congress and then drove up to Mount Lemon. We drove with the windows down and I inhaled the scents that took me back to childhood adventures in the woods, at the cabin, and in the boundary waters. "Doesn't it feel good to get out of our normal scenery? It just shakes everything loose, don't you think?" I asked him. It was just what I needed.

Sunday evening the sky got dark and as we settled into the couches in the living room, we began to hear thunder and to see flashes of lightening, but no rain. "Wanna come outside with me? Let's watch the storm!" I have always, always loved thunderstorms. So we turned the outside lights off and climbed into the hammock together, his feet by my head, my feet by his. Django was sniffing around the backyard. We sat in the dark and the silence. Bolts of lightening lit up the sky and seconds later crashes of thunder answered. I clapped my hands together like a little girl a couple of times. One clap of thunder was so loud we both almost jumped up and ran for the house. And then the rain came down. There wasn't a lot of wind, so we were able to stay in the hammock and stay fairly dry for a while. Django came and laid down beside us on the patio. It was so quiet and so peaceful. It was my favorite part of the weekend. Those moments, you can't plan them. And I thank God for them.

Okay, so perhaps part of my emotional state this weekend had to do with my cycle. As seems to be my habit, I near the time when I know I'm going to be ovulating and I can't yet give up the hope that I will be well enough to carry our own baby again, so I inevitably go off my Cipro to see if I can manage. Stupid me. Stupid, stupid me. But hope springs eternal, right? After a few days of being off the Cipro, I once again find myself going to the bathroom just about every hour. And when I go, I feel like I have to push and push, even when there's nothing left in me. This was the case last night. I do believe I was awake every hour of the night going to the bathroom. And then this morning, as I tried to sleep later to catch up, I kept waking up feeling like I had to go to the bathroom again. Disappointment set in. Disappointment and a feeling of all over ickiness. "I just don't think my body is in a place where I can carry a baby," I told Jeremy. "I'm feeling sick today."

"You have all day to rest and take it easy Abby. And go back on your Cipro. You need to take care of yourself right now," he reminded me because yes, I still do need reminding.

I have been investigating different adoption agencies. We haven't landed on the right one yet. After I took a dose of Cipro I placed a call to one of the agencies I had contacted last week. The woman who ran the place said she would be working on Monday and I could call her with questions then. Turns out they aren't the kind of agency that connects you to birth mothers, but they can help with all the studies and counseling and everything else involved if we were to do a private adoption. There are so many options out there, I don't even know where to start. If anyone is reading this blog and has suggestions about where to start in finding the right agency or attorney or birth mother, I would greatly appreciate your feedback. I feel like we're navigating in the dark and just kind of learning the lay of the land by bumping into things. What we would like is to adopt an infant - that's really the only criteria that is important to us right now. We'll see what the future holds.

For now I guess I'm just going to keep on trying to let go of my need to figure everything out and try to enjoy my life. One day at a time Abby.