I believe

September 12, 2009

I woke up at 5:00 a.m. this morning, on a Saturday. And try as I might to go back to sleep, it just wasn't happening for me. There were too many thoughts jumping around in my head. And some of them were oh-so-exciting thoughts. I felt my heart start to quicken. Adoption. A baby! Parenthood!!

I think we've decided on an agency to go with to try and adopt. I started filling out the initial paperwork yesterday. Hopefully Jeremy and I will get the forms in the mail today. The next step would be attending an orientation at the adoption agency.

There was this part of me that was really angry when I used to think about the adoption process. It's just not fair, right? It's not fair that two perfectly capable, loving people would have to jump through so many hoops to adopt a baby; hoops we wouldn't have to jump through to have a biological child. And then there's some fear about the process too. I mean really, we are being judged. That's what the whole process is about. And what if they decide we aren't worthy? It's easy to be on the outside and say, "Oh of course you'll be allowed to adopt," but when you're on the other side, it's scary.

But the thoughts behind these two feelings, the anger and the fear, these thoughts are ones I am going to do my best to eradicate. I am choosing to go through this process with excitement. And I am excited! I woke up this morning thinking about it. When Jeremy woke up I whispered to him, "I can't believe we will get to have a baby Jeremy!" I think I saw tears well up in his eyes. He's excited too. "I'll get to be a mommy. You'll get to be a daddy. I'll get to hold a baby, our baby." And then I went on about getting a nursery ready and all that fun stuff. (Don't worry, I'm not jumping the gun here. I haven't gone out and purchased any baby items or anything. I'm just dreaming, envisioning, hoping . . . )

I can see it all in my mind's eye. And I believe. I believe this is going to happen for us.