Journey with fear

September 9, 2009

I listened to the click-click-click of my new shoes on the crooked brick sidewalk as I turned the corner to my office building this morning. I started preparing myself mentally for work when I was still tired and still wanted to sleep, but I could do it, I knew I could. And then it dawned on me, I was sick yesterday and I didn't freak out. I didn't get scared. And I actually thought to myself, I'm not afraid any more.

Not so long ago I lived every day in fear. Fear that I was going to die, fear that I was going to need another surgery, fear that I was going to live my entire life in pain. And then, as crazy as it sounds, I even became afraid that I would always be afraid. But no more. I am not afraid any more. And I'll tell you what, it feels damn good.

So fast forward to after lunch, Abby's in the bathroom. I know, I know, nothing too unusual about that, Abby's always in the bathroom. So there I was, but I couldn't go. And this is unusual mind you. And then there was blood. Blood. Oh God, what's this about? There are any number of innocuous reasons for the blood, right? A small tear, an internal hemorrhoid, whatever. But there was also this cramping in my stomach. It felt like there was a baseball in my gut. And so my mind jumped to an obstruction. What if this is an obstruction? Okay, I started to panic a little.

So I talked myself in circles. Don't worry Abby. You've only been feeling this way a couple hours. This doesn't have to be anything major. You can handle this. And then I went to the bathroom again and still nothing came except blood (but not much blood). What do I do? Do I call someone? I'll never get a hold of Dr. G. What if it's nothing and you look stupid for calling? Remember last time when it was nothing (that they could find any way)? But remember when all this started and there was something going on and no one listened? What should I do? Should I worry about this? I just don't know my body well enough to know anything any more. So I went and talked with a friend. And after talking through the same soliloquy again I decided that if it was an obstruction I would get worse and I would know I needed to get help. And that put my mind at ease. A few hours later I was able to go to the bathroom again - still some blood, but I'm not as scared.

Fast forward to 8:00 p.m. and Abby's once again, you guessed it, sitting on the toilet. And I actually chuckled to myself about my journey with fear throughout the day. And I started thinking about how I wished I had heard about someone else's journey with fear before this whole "ordeal" began for me. And I hoped, hoped more than you could imagine, that my experience is helping, has helped, or will help someone else in their own journey with fear.