The greatest joys

September 17, 2009

How long do you lay in bed awake before you give up the fight and get up? I tried from 2:30 a.m. till now, 3:20 a.m. to go back to sleep. It just ain't happening. Don't think about that Abby. Think about something else. What else can I think about? Blah, blah, blah. So here I am, ready to write and purge myself of the thoughts that won't stop. Maybe then I can at least get one more hour of sleep before my Thursday officially begins? We'll see . . .

The prospect of adoption has got me in this perpetual state of excitement. It's really amazing to me. I didn't think I'd ever experience hope like this again. Yet here I am. Hopeful. All day long these fantasies play through my mind. Fantasies of a little one in my arms, in our home, in my heart. I am allowing myself to go there in my mind. And the fantasies, they don't hurt any more. They don't bring heartache and feelings of loss to the surface. They are no longer Harper's face. No. Now they are faces of all different colors and shapes. Little boys and little girls, dark skin, light skin, curly hair, straight hair. I have no idea what our child will look like, so the fantasies vary. But that's all part of the excitement. And I just don't know if I can express what the thought of holding a newborn, our newborn, in my arms does to me.

I've been thinking a lot about the birth mother lately too, whoever she may be. All kinds of wondering and questions. There is this part of me, the part that is a mother who will not get to raise her child, that understands somewhat the challenges she will face. And that breaks my heart. There's a paradox there. Our joy will come from someone else's loss. But that's the beauty of it too, isn't it? That there can be joy from loss. The greatest joys, that's where they come from, isn't it?

I realized today that the state of my mind right now, on a moment to moment basis, is much like it was when I was pregnant. It's consumed with thoughts of babies, of mothering, of making a home and a family. It's just unbelievable to me, that I can be in this place again. The gratitude runs deep. It really does.