August 8, 2009
"Do you have children?" I saw Jeremy look at me, deferring to me to handle this. There was a pause. "No," I said. And we moved on in conversation. Actually, I purposefully directed the conversation back at her. This was a birthday party after all, a little girl's birthday party. She didn't need to know about Harper. And I guess my instincts served me well. My stock answer to that question is, "None living." But then that always leads to a sad look in the other person's eyes. Maybe that's the end of the conversation, maybe they ask more, but last night I didn't want to deal with that. Still I'm left to deal with the tiniest bit of feeling that I betrayed my daughter - I didn't acknowledge her. Or that I'm denying myself a title that I fought hard for and don't get to wear: mother.
We were the childless couple last night. Did we stick out like a sore thumb, or was it just me? I don't know. I enjoyed myself though. I really did. I loved being around all that family, all those little ones, laughing, playing, pretending. I held my share of babies, kissed enough soft precious baby-scented cheeks and tops of heads. Jeremy and I would engage in our separate conversations and then drift back to each other briefly. He would put his hand on my back, I would rest my head on his shoulder. Jeremy made a little friend, 13 months old who kept coming to him with his arms up to be held by him. It made me laugh.
I didn't cry. Maybe I carried a little sadness with me, but I think I did well. I come away from situations like that not being able to gage my interactions with people. I have this fear that I'm going to be the wet blanket - that I exude this sorrow or something that people won't want to be around. Do others see me that way? I just want to be myself, authentic, but do I over-compensate then? I really don't know. It's all so hard. But it's life. It's what we have to navigate, Jeremy and I together. And as the waves push us around a little, we reach out and find each other, steady each other, and then go back out to try to swim again.
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You don't know me, but I am a misfit. I had a child when I was 20, I am divorced, I am remarried and have 3 kids altogether. My friends are about my age and most of them have kids that are 8 and younger, that is my youngest child. I don't fit in. I don't know loss, but I too feel like I stand out in a room, moreso in Christian circles. I will pray that you just keep swimming. It has gotten a bit easier for me and then something seperates me from my friends kidswise again, but I will keep swimming too.
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