Perpetual student

August 23, 2009


Oh, so much happening lately . . . where to start? I had my dilation on Tuesday. It went really well, but was a little confusing for me. Dr. T said that I actually did not need the dilation, that there was no inflammation of my rectum and no inflammation of my pouch. All of this was excellent news - really. But it left me confused about the signals I thought my body was sending me.


It gets frustrating at times trying to learn about my body again. The same thing is holding true for running too. After Jeremy and my six mile run, I started not feeling well. I know folks with j-pouches run marathons, but I think I was being overly ambitious to think I could do a marathon in December. Hydration is a challenge for me even more so now, and starting a training schedule in Tucson in the summer for the first time without a colon is just not the smart thing to do at this point. Not that I won't keep running. And I may end up doing the marathon and just walking it, but I think I need to get to know this new body of mine a little better before I tackle such an ambitious physical challenge.


It's all a journey, isn't it? I think back to how I felt about my body in high school, college, my twenties, etc. So many ups and downs. It wasn't until we decided to try to get pregnant that I was actually at peace with my body. And really, that played a part in the timing of getting pregnant too. I was finally comfortable in my own skin. I finally felt like if I had a daughter, I would be in a place where I could teach her to feel good about herself and take care of herself for the right reasons. I was living the healthiest lifestyle I have ever lived - eating right, enjoying eating, exercising, and feeling grateful for the body that God gave me on a daily basis. I remember saying to Jeremy when I got pregnant, "Well, say good-bye to this body now because things are going to change!" I forewarned him about the sags and stretches that were on my horizon. He didn't care. He's always told me that when he married me he married me for life and knew that both of our bodies were going to change over the years.


And so here I am now. I have to re-learn how to be comfortable in my skin. And that's okay. It's a perpetual lesson for all of us. I'm really no different. It's a beautiful lesson too. The body crumbles. All we are left with are these spirits that we have. What can my spirit learn from the crumbling of my body? It can learn to be gentle. It can learn to be patient. It can learn that vanity means nothing. There some pretty powerful stuff in that, don't you think? I guess I'll just keep learning!